Can't Fail Again

Stream of Consciousness

2012-01-04T22:24:00.001-05:00

I've been craving salads. Wow.

I went to the gym yesterday, and plan to do so again tomorrow.

I had the last week of December off from work. I think it helped me tremendously. I was fairly busy, but I had downtime, too. Going back to work was hard, but I'm trying to keep a better attitude.

Dec 22 was two years since Mom's death. It's still hard to believe.

I went to the wellness clinic 2 weeks ago. I'm up 18 lbs from my lowest. I think 8 lbs of those came on in December alone. I'm so glad December is over.

My cousin is still with me. It's going pretty well, and I'm glad to have her here, but I sure wish I had more room. My two bedroom place just isn't big enough for the two of us and all my crap!!! She's excited because she finally got full time work, and today she signed up for two classes to finally continue her education. I'm very excited for her. It's been a long time coming.

I got an estimate on enclosing my back balcony, and it's just too much money. $4,500!! I had hoped to turn that into my office since my cousin is now living in that room and I don't have access to my stuff whenever I want. I wonder if my father had gotten the estimate if it would be as high. When I had to replace my entire A/C unit, I got an estimate for $4K. When my father got estimates, it was $2,900 for the exact same unit. Funny how that happened.

I have a closet full of clothes that I barely fit in. The ones I do fit in, I'm not happy with how I look. I have a conference coming up in a month, and if I don't drop at least 10 lbs by then, I'm going to have a hard time dressing appropriately for it. My dept hosts it, and it's a lot of time on my feet, entertaining, etc. And a lot of eating. Blech. I have dinner out Friday & Saturday night. Hockey on Monday night; therapy on Tuesday night, walking at the beach on Wednesday night (!!!), and then Mr. Seger on Thursday night. I've never seen him in concert before. I'm very excited about it.

More Than a Month?

2011-12-26T14:23:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's been more than a month since I posted. I don't think I've ever gone that long.

The bottom line is things are still a struggle for me. I'm not sure I have much more to say, but I'm not ready to close the blog yet.

Blah blah...blah.

Stable...

2011-11-07T21:34:00.000-05:00

My weight...that is. Mentally...who knows?

I'm trying to be careful, but I'm finding that I'm very hungry. I'm not sure if I'm stress eating or if I'm really hungry, but I think it's a mixture of both, but more on the really hungry side.

I leave for Charlotte on Thursday for my annual pilgrimage. I'm really looking forward to it. I need a break. Plus I really miss my friend.

Speaking of friends, I found out that someone who is very close to me has been lying to me for a very long time. It really hurts.

Work is holding steady.

We finally moved my Mom to her permanent spot last week. We had purchased spaces in a mausoleum about a year before Mom died, so the spaces weren't ready when she passed. Therefore, she's been in a temporary space for just under two years. The cemetery finally got the certificate of occupancy from the county for the new mausoleum (if you can believe that) so we were finally able to move her. Her stone was done about 4 months ago, so she's been in one spot and her stone in another. It's been very strange. It helps to have her in her final space, although I must admit temporary spot was nicer (covered area, quite, and always a nice breeze). Her new spot has no cover, no bench, and faces a street before the rest of the cemetery & lake. On the other hand, does it really matter? We're having the unveiling on Nov. 23. Lots of drama with my Dad about that. I'm glad the decisions are made and we're almost done. Almost 2 years after Mom's death is just TOO DAMN LONG to finish the rituals. Rituals seems like an odd word, but it's stranger to me how important rituals have become to me in dealing with Mom's death. I just want this over with already.

So, I'm stable, huh?

A Little Progress

2011-10-21T23:15:00.003-04:00

The ticker at the top of the post has moved in the right direction. In June, I was 16.9 lbs above my lowest weight, which was in November of last year. It is Oct. 21, and I am now only 11.2 lbs above my lowest weight. It's not a lot of progress, but it is some progress, and for that I am grateful.

This week was a little weird at work as the senior staff announced a major reorganization of my division. My job hasn't changed (yet) but my boss has been promoted and is now heading up a new group and I'm not moving with her. I am very happy for her; she's going to be running a project and systems group and although I can do the work, I don't enjoy it, which makes it a struggle...so I'm glad, from that respect, that I'm not going with her. The other REALLY good boss I've had in this division (the one before the psycho 8 years ago) is creating a new group, and I'm hopeful that he'll request that I be moved to his staff. I hope I didn't just jinx it.

Amazingly enough, with all the drama, I didn't stuff my face. I didn't exercise as much as I should have, but sometimes going home to rest and calm my mind is the best thing. Last night I met a friend at the beach (she also just got promoted!!) and we walked for 30 minutes and almost 2 miles. Tonight I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and burned 300.9 calories (at least that's what the machine said). I've got my gym bag packed again, and it's going with me tomorrow morning when I leave to babysit my niece again!! I didn't have to wait another 5 years before I was asked again!! Woooo Hooooo!! I'm taking her to gymnastics class and then Dunkin Donuts. I just hope that I don't do too much damage there, but my plan is to stop at the gym on the way home. I'm so glad my sister asked me to do this. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel useful.

My cousin is still going through a hard time. I expect she'll be living with me full-time by the end of this month, if things finally start going her way. I have very little time to get rid of a lot of crap from this room so she'll be comfortable. My office is also my guest room, and while it's comfortable for a short stay, it's not set up as bedroom. I'm not able to move my desk (it's a mammoth) to another room, and I have only two bedrooms anyway. She knows this and understands. She has all her furniture in storage, so we moved some of my things to the storage to make room for her: a comfortable upholstered chair and ottoman as well as a rocking chair my grandpa bought my mom when she was pregnant with me.

I hope she gets on her feet quickly and can settle where she can be comfortable long term. She desperately needs a job, and I sure hope she finds one that she enjoys and enables her to go to school and pay her bills. My cousin likes to exercise and eat healthy, so she'll be a good influence on me while she's here.

I changed one of my posts from November of last year to a draft because I was getting a ton of searches as the #1 Google search result for a certain gadget that I will not name here again. The last thing I need is some fitness-crazed coworker finding my blog. NOT!

Coming Up:

Rick Springfield and Jack Wagner on Nov. 5 (I said no to friends before the tickets went on Groupon...then I had no excuse to refuse)
Annual trip to Charlotte, NC--Nov 10-13
Staycation during Thanksgiving week
Thanksgiving at Dad's girlfriend's house (yay...) and first time without my sister since Mom died
Judas Priest on December 1
Hall and Oates on December 5
Hanukkah starts December 20th, when I'm sure my sister will be at Disney celebrating Xmas
I've got a December birthday
Another staycation the last week of December
And somewhere in all of this, relocating my mother's remains from her temporary mausoleum space to her permanent space because the building is FINALLY done...and the unveiling that goes with it

And finally, I've decided that it's time for me to find a man and have a committed relationship. He's got to be the right man, though. Not just anyone will do. So, I've joined a "relationship" service, thrown a boatload of money I don't have at it, and now we'll see what happens.

This should be an interesting end of the year.

Progress

2011-10-09T22:23:00.002-04:00

I think I'm making progress...I've been going to the gym at work, I haven't been pigging out, and I haven't gained any weight. I might be losing some, but I haven't gotten on the scale lately. I just know that my clothes have not gotten any tighter, and perhaps they've gotten a little looser. Not by much though.

There's been a lot of family drama, and I think it's mostly over. I cried a lot, but didn't eat my way through it. That's progress...?

Keeping Up

2011-09-17T21:10:00.000-04:00

I went to the new gym three times this week. The first two days I did 30+ min on the treadmill and two weight machines. The third day (today) I did something called an arc trainer, and it kicked my ass. Here are the numbers:

09/13/2011: Treadmill
34.53 minutes, 1.52 miles, 199 calories
81.33 avg watts, 3.22 avg mets, 140 avg heart rate

09/15/2011: Treadmill
35.01 minutes, 1.65 miles, 199 calories
81.18 avg watts, 3.16 avg mets, 126 avg heart rate

09/17/2011: arc trainer
32 minutes, 0.96 miles, 229 calories

The numbers confuse me. I need to learn what watts and mets are, but on Tuesday I did slightly less time and slightly less distance than Thursday, but have the same calories and a higher heart rate than Thursday. On the arc trainer I did less distance, slightly less time, and more calories...and was sweatier than I've been in a long time.

I'm learning that I need to take care of things one at a time. I'm not going to destroy myself over not having a perfect day because it doesn't do a service to me. I am feeling a little renewed, but very tired because I'm sleeping like crap. You would think that the exercise would make me sleep better but it doesn't.

I'm not eating out as much, and that's very good. I sure would like a mojito, though!!

Chugging Along

2011-09-12T22:11:00.000-04:00

I think I've dropped 2 lbs but I haven't "officially" weighed. I'm conflicted of whether I should continue with the wellness center. I cannot financially afford it. However, I don't know if I can physically afford to not go.

My company renovated our on-site gym and when they reopened it last week, they made it free. It used to be $37 a month. The hours were not good, they weren't open on Saturdays, and I resented having to pay to belong to a COMPANY gym run by the YMCA. The YMCA's mission is a religious mission. In my opinion, religion doesn't belong in the workplace. Kind of like separate of church & state.

Anyway, I attempted to go to the gym on Saturday after my nephew's football game since I was already hot & sweaty. I got there...and the security guy had no idea it was supposed to be open...so I wasn't allowed in. HR addressed it this morning, but I feel like it's just another roadblock.

My gym bag is still packed though, and ready by my front door to go with me tomorrow to the office. I'll be in the gym at 6:05 tomorrow night after work. Tonight I had an appointment with my grief counselor, Wednesday night I have a dentist appointment and a pedicure, and Friday night I have to go to my father's companion's son's 50th birthday party. Did you follow that? Ha!

Bottom line, this week, I'm at the gym Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday afternoon.

Honorary Family

2011-08-19T08:30:00.000-04:00

I'm going to Tampa today for two nights. My honorary nephew is having is bar mitzvah. I'm very excited about this. His mother was unknowingly in labor with him at one of my parties 13 years ago. I saw more of him as a young child than my own nephew. I babysat him, changed his diapers, sang to him...all things I didn't get to do with my nephew, who is now 7, and niece, who will be 5 in 2 months. It hurts when I think about it.

Sometimes I think people with children don't realize how much of an outsider some people without children (such as myself) feel. I'm talking about the folks who know that other folks wanted children but it just didn't happen. My own sister always "forgets" to tell me about my nephew's sports schedule. Thursday night I found out my nephew's basketball team made it to the playoffs and then championships...after his team won the championship game. I live 30 minutes away and could easily have arranged to leave work early to make the game.

My mother had a cousin named Billy that never married or had children and was always a little bit of an oddball (for reasons not related to his marital or fatherhood status). She always included him in our family functions - his own local brother certainly never did (he had another one in CA). I used to tell her that I was going to wind up being the "Billy" of the family...no one to help him other than Mom when he got old. No one to visit him in hospice other than Mom, Grandma, Dad, and me...not even his local brother. Everyone other than my mother and grandmother treated him like an afterthought. She used to scoff when I said that. I still think I'm right.

So back to this weekend. Lauren, the bar mitzvah boy's mother, often treats me more like family than my own sister does, and I love her for it. She's the one that drove 5 hours to come to Mom's funeral. She brought her children, with no request from me, to visit my grandma in the nursing home. To get my sister to do that was always a struggle. So when she asked me if I'd take her cousin with me over to Tampa since his wife would already be further north in the state and he'd have to take a second car, I said yes. Even though it meant totally rearranging my schedule and route, I said yes. I'd do just about anything I could to make my honorary sister happy.

Regarding food, I'm having a shake for breakfast this morning, and then I'm going to try to make healthy choices but I'm not going to force myself to be "on program" with the corresponding guilt when I go off program. I'm not lugging my shakes and blender with me. It's just too much of a hassle. I'm just going to enjoy myself with my honorary family and let it be what it is.

Failure

2011-08-17T21:47:00.000-04:00

That's what I feel like, even though the name of my blog is Can't Fail Again. I feel like I'm failing miserably. I don't understand why I don't have the will power to do what I need to do and do what's right for me. The weight just keeps creeping back on. I'm so angry at myself, which I know doesn't help, but I just can't seem to get my act together.

I'm just so tired, and I'm wondering what my purpose is. To be fat the rest of my life? Maybe so.

Bedtime

2011-07-28T22:27:00.000-04:00

It's occurred to me, on more than one occasion, that one of the reasons I'm so blah and lethargic is I don't get enough sleep. That is, I don't get enough sleep on a regular basis. I stay up too late and struggle to get up in the morning during the week; then I sleep for 10-12 hours on the weekend, stay up late, and cause my problems all over again for the following week.

A few days ago, I told a friend that I am now going to be lights out, phone off, by 10 pm every night. It's now 10:15, so I didn't make it tonight, but as soon as I'm done with this post, it will be lights out and phone off.

One of the reasons I started by telling this particular friend my new rule is that she totally ignores me when I say how tired I am and just keeps talking even when I am unresponsive during our hour-long phone calls that start at 11. It's definitely my fault to a certain extent - as much as I love this friend, I dread calling her sometimes because she repeats herself constantly and has very little positive things to discuss. I find that I get mired down in it and it exhausts me, so I procrastinate. Finally, when it's the last minute and I need to keep my word about calling her back, it's late. Then she just keeps on talking. She's been out of work for almost a year now, maybe more. I think I'm one of her few social outlets. It just exhausts me, for various reasons that I won't discuss here. Suffice to say, by setting the rule of 10 pm, my phone has not rung after 9 for 3 nights in a row. YAY!!!! I feel guilty, because she's got a heart of gold, but my capacity for the details of what's occurring in her life was dramatically reduced once my mother got sick and died. I just don't have it in me anymore - at least to the level of detail that she shares.

I think that might be one of the reasons I don't write as much here, either. Energy, or lack thereof. What does it matter without Mom?

Sunday I leave for a four-city tour of Kansas for work. Wichita, Salina, Lawrence, and Overland Park. In August. HOT AUGUST. Ugh. The people sure are nice in Kansas though, that much is true!! I'm bringing my sneakers and I am going to use the treadmills at the hotels. I'm also going to bring my Medifast and see if I can get back on the ball. My goal is to not GAIN while I'm traveling. If I can achieve that, I'll be very happy.

It's past my bedtime...so...good night!

Sorry

2011-07-25T22:37:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry I haven't had much to say lately. I'm just feeling blah. Hopefully someday that will change. Soon.

Update

2011-07-12T21:08:00.000-04:00

I had a really good week, lost some weight, and now the last 2.5 days have been a real struggle. I've been very hungry and have sometimes succumbed to the hunger. I've had a few headaches. I don't know if they're weather or hunger related. Hopefully tomorrow the scale will say that today I was better than the other two.

Tomorrow I have a team lunch. I can do it, right!???

Tomorrow night, I'm going to see my nephew play basketball. I'm looking forward to it.

Does anyone like to play Words with Friends? If so, leave me a comment or email me. I'd love to play a fellow blogger/blog reader!!

Medifast isn't so bad....

Back to Work

2011-07-04T23:58:00.013-04:00

I hope your Independence Day was good and independent!!

June was an interesting month. I had a lot of time off, which is unusual for me at this time of year. I saw two Def Leppard concerts (#30 and #31!) and my first Keith Urban concert. He was fantastic, as was Lep!

The second Lep show was in Tampa, and we stayed an extra night to see Keith Urban. I'm so glad we did. During the day before the KU show, we visited with a friend of mine, her husband, and two kids. It was so nice to see them, and I'll get to see them when I go back in August for the oldest boy's bar mitzvah. Time has flown! I remember when she was in labor at one of my parties with him 13 years ago!!

After Tampa, it was back to work for a week, but we had our divisional meeting, which is food, boredom, more food, and more boredom. The meeting took 1.5 days and then all the ancillary meetings that go with it when all the field staff are at the headquarters (where I work).

Then, I was off again. I saw U2 in Miami on June 29 from the nosebleed section at the top of the stadium. It was a fun and good show. The concert was supposed to occur last July but got postponed due to Bono's back surgery. Because a friend was supposed to come into town for the show, I had taken more time off and extended it through the 4th of July (today). Since his plans had to change, I contemplated not taking the time now, but I decided that it would be a good thing for me to get out of the office for a while, so that's what I did. I didn't get as much time at the pool as I would have liked due to the weather, but luckily it cleared up over the weekend and I did get some time in.

I cleaned out a few shelves, put away a few things, but basically did nothing else around the house that I should have. And so it waits. And wait...and waits...

I did concentrate on Medifast. I am almost relieved to be going back to work so perhaps I won't be obsessing over what I should do next. I planned my meals for tomorrow and they're all packed and ready to go tomorrow morning.

I went over my calories today, but by just a smidge. I should have asked the girls tonight to put the bread at the other end of the table, but I'm not sure it would have worked anyway since it took quite a while to get our food tonight at Bonefish Grill. I probably would have broken anyway and had a slice of bread. However, I only had ONE slice, which in of itself is pretty cool because in the past I would have just kept eating.

I didn't order the potatoes. I had the grouper, and I asked for as little oil/butter on the fish as possible - just enough to not stick to the grill. Yeah. Well. It tasted too good to be just barely enough to not stick to the grill. As requested, the broccoli and asparagus came without any of the butter they usually put on it, which was very good. I asked for the butter sauce on the side, and I think I had about a teaspoon just from dipping my fork tines in the butter and not pouring it over the food (so tempted!).

All-in-all, I think I'm on my way. Back to work!

Reset Button

2011-07-01T23:55:00.001-04:00

I wish I had a reset button like my computer does, but I don't. So, I've decided to reset in a different way...by trying Medifast. Today was my first day, and it was pretty good. I probably overdid it on my lean/green meal, but I still came in under 1000 calories today.

I find their website somewhat hard to navigate when compared to other diet programs. So far the food tastes pretty decent. I do not like the fruit punch AT ALL. I've been reading Lyn's blog, Escape from Obesity, for some time now, and she has a lot of helpful information on her site about Medifast. I'm glad that she has the info there or my first experience might have been a lot different.

So here's my question to you...should I keep my tickers as shown on the screen now, or should I delete them and start over? I'm not really weighing in at the wellness center anymore, so I'm not even sure my starting weight should be the same. Your thoughts?

Lunch Date

2011-06-26T12:07:00.002-04:00

I have a first date with a guy in less than an hour. He picked Chipolte, and I've never been there before. I just looked at the nutritional values. OMG. I wonder if I can get away with not eating.

Lack of Self Control

2011-06-25T22:31:00.000-04:00

I learned a long time ago that I cannot have noodle casseroles in my house, or I will eat the entire thing. Even casseroles that don't taste very good.

Tonight, I got a wild hair up my you-know-what and decided to make a noodle casserole. It was just OK. I ate too much of it. However, I did not eat the entire thing, because I JUST THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE.

Maybe I have more self-control than I think I do?

Blech

2011-06-24T21:38:00.002-04:00

That's all I have to say, today. More later.

Damn Good & Something Special

2011-06-09T22:06:00.000-04:00

3.8 lbs down since June 1! I was not 100% compliant - meaning, I ate some food in addition to Optifast. Can you imagine how much better I'll be when I'm 100% compliant? I have to be realistic and not beat myself up when I have food instead of, or in addition to, the Optifast, but I have events that I have to attend and some travel coming up (YAY!!!) so I know that I will have to make very careful choices when I do eat.

I worked late every night this week except tonight. I was able to leave early for a yoga class. I really enjoyed it. After class, my friends and I went to dinner at a diner. I WAS SO DAMN GOOD!

I had 1 cup of split pea soup, 1/2 of a grilled chicken breast (overcooked, yuck, but that gave me a good reason not to eat the other half!), a little bit of applesauce and a little bit of carrots. The meal came with bread, but it didn't arrive at my table so I didn't ask for it. My friends had spinach pie & mashed potatoes, a gyro platter, and a western omelet. Yum!! I was very pleased that I didn't let myself be tempted by all the other Greek items on the menu because it would have wasted my entire day of hard work.

I've decided that if I'm going to have something that is not in my best interests, diet-wise, then it better be damn good, and it better be for something special. Diner food is not always damn good, and typically dinner after yoga isn't something special!

For example, my 4 yr old niece is having her first dance recital on Sunday, and we're going to dinner after. I believe we're going to a sports bar. So although the occasion is special, the food is not. Therefore, I will be able to stick to what works for me. A grilled protein and a steamed veggie. Maybe a salad with balsamic vinegar. Luckily this place doesn't put bread on the table, so that won't be a problem. The worst thing that might happen is I might have to steal one of my Dad's french fries (I'm not a huge fries fan, but sometimes I just have to have one) or a bite of my nephew's dessert, but I know that the dessert is out of a box so how good could it be? It certainly wouldn't be special!

I Should Just Go to Sleep

2011-06-08T21:15:00.002-04:00

I'm so damn hungry. I weigh in tomorrow. I should just go to bed so I don't eat anymore tonight! Ugh!!

Mid-day torture

2011-06-06T13:14:00.002-04:00

Today I had my morning shake for breakfast. I had to go to my team lunch, so no shake for lunch. I had a pork chop and steamed broccoli, with a side salad – no cheese, and balsamic vinegar only. I DID NOT HAVE THE BREAD for the FIRST TIME in my Longhorn Steakhouse history.

Damned if I’m not hungry.

Saturday

2011-06-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

I kept it under 1,000 calories today. I also took a very brisk walk at the beach tonight. My feet still ache from it. But I'm glad I did it.

Confession

2011-06-03T21:39:00.000-04:00

I've put a total of 16.8 lbs back of the 55.7 lbs I had lost. Time to knuckle down.

Red!

2011-05-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

I look fantastic in red. Red lipstick, red blouses, new 2011 Hyundai Sonata in venetian red!

Now that all my money is going towards car payments, maybe I won't have money to eat, and therefore I will start losing weight again, and then I can really look good in all the red clothes waiting for me in my closet. I have totally hit a brick wall. But I love my new car!

I feel a little bad for replacing my older car. It was a silver, 2002 Honda Accord LX. I had it 8 years and 11 months. I traded it in with 136,650 miles on it. It was a good car. I probably could have kept it longer, but I'm on the road a lot and I figured I'm just tempting fate. I'd rather have a new car than a lot of expensive car repairs. I always maintained the Honda exactly like I was supposed to, and I'll do the same for the Sonata. Why can't I seem to do the same for myself?

Turning Point

2011-05-01T22:39:00.001-04:00

I met with a nutritionist at work this week. My company is offering one, one-on-one session per employee. I was prepared to be disappointed again, like I have been with every other nutritional counseling session I've had because they just throw the same old USDA food triangle at me, and it doesn't work. The only time I've been really heard is by the nutritionists at the wellness center.

I began to tell this nutritionist my story of PCOS and hypothyroidism, and I didn't even have to tell her the rest! It turns out that she is the original nutritionist at the wellness center I go to and she's the one that designed their program! How cool is that?

Since I explained that I just can't bring myself to do Optifast anymore because I can't afford it, and doing it part-time doesn't work, she suggested two options:
1. Medifast, which appears to be half the price and similar to Optifast
2. The South Beach Diet

I'm reading the SBD book right now, and it's pretty interesting. I did it half-assed years ago and of course got no where. Now I'm reading the entire book. Then, I'm going to re-read it, and highlight/tab the portions that I know I'll need to rely on. I'm going to do Phase 1 for two weeks and see where I am. I most likely will not start until sometime this week or over the weekend. I need to make sure I clear out my kitchen, have what I need, etc. to stay on the program.

I sure hope this is my turning point. I feel like my clothes are starting to get tight. I don't even want to get on the scale. I want to feel my clothes looser in two weeks, and I want to see 10K steps on my Fitbit every day.

Anyone with any South Beach Diet advice, tips, stories?

Not Holding Steady

2011-04-13T22:53:00.000-04:00

The last time I changed my ticker was in January. I just now updated it with my last offical weigh in, which was in March. I went up 4 lbs. Damn.

The cousin-roommate thing is working pretty well. I'm not eating as much crap at night as I was before she moved in, but I haven't stuck more than a few days in a row with good eating throughout the entire day.

Passover is next week, but we're doing it a night early, on Sunday. A lot of cooking and food. And now Dad expects me at his girlfriend's house on Monday night too. Dinner was at his house last night, and it just about killed me seeing her in my mother's seat, at my mother's table, serving food from my mother's dishes, as if it was her home. It's not her, per se, that I have the problem with. It's the situation. Dad promised me a year ago that she wouldn't be doing that kind of thing. How quickly his promises are not being kept. He also said a year ago that they would never move in together. That's another promise that's being broken. He's moving in with her before November. The only good thing that's come of this is I am no longer putting my father's opinion before mine when it comes to living my life. It's taken me 41 years, but I guess I had to learn sometime. It's not easy, though, deciding not to be Daddy's little girl anymore. It makes me a little angry, too. I think the night got off to a bad start for me when I heard the girlfriend telling Dad's cousins that she knows all the stories about me growing up from Dad. Fuck that. That doesn't mean that she knows me. And I don't appreciate Dad telling personal family stories about me to this person. It's not her business, good stories or bad. They are MY memories too. The more I think about it, the angrier I'm getting, so I better stop. So on top of all the emotional stuff, I can't get away from the DAMN FOOD!! I wish I could get back into my zone when I first started this blog. My first post was almost 2 years ago, on April 22. To think it's been almost 2 years, and I've been hovering around the 50 lb mark for more than a year now. At least I'm still within my 10 lb limit...Ugh.

Work is better. The project from hell is in. I don't have to deal with the same people anymore on a regular basis. Therefore, the negative energy of others' crap isn't hitting me on a consistent basis anymore, which is good. Now I just have the stressful energy of absorbing more work since my company has decided not to fill a position that was left vacant by a coworker's retirement. I guess that type of stressful energy is better than the other type of negative energy.

I'm sorry I'm not posting more. I'm writing a lot at work, and by the time I get home, I'm not heading straight for my computer. Plus, my computer is in my guest room, where my cousin sleeps. She's in bed by 8. It's kind of cramping my ability to do things at night, but like I mentioned above, at least I'm also not sitting and stuffing my face all night, every night anymore.

Is there anyone out there that would be willing to be my check-in/workout email or phone buddy? I could use some help.

Is Change On the Way?

2011-03-06T23:01:00.011-05:00

I know it seems like I've dropped off the face of the earth, and sometimes I've tried to - not answering emails, not answering the phone...just going through the motions.

I try to get myself going again. I got the Fitbit. I logged my food. I did OK, then I blew it again. Work is kicking my ass, although I'm very pleased with my review for last year's work.

I'm going to try to make some changes. Some will be big, some will not. My cousin has moved in with me, temporarily. She's in transition. Tonight is the first night. I know it will be good for her, but I also think it'll be great for me. She has to leave for work before I do, so I've asked her to wake me up with the hopes that I'll get a walk in before work. She has a great figure, and although she says she works at it, it's never been the struggle for her that it has for me. However, I think having a support system living with me will make a big difference. Although I like my privacy, I think it'll be a good thing to have someone to come home to. Maybe we'll actually eat dinner at the table instead of in front of the TV.

I've also been trying to be nicer to myself, from a self-talk perspective. For instance, I was clearing out the closet in the guest room for my cousin, and packed away all the clothes that are WAY TOO BIG FOR ME NOW! I kept them with the thought of getting them altered. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I also reminded myself that if I drop about 10-ish lbs, I'll have almost an entire new wardrobe waiting for me in that closet - all the things I've purchased when I've been SO CLOSE to fitting in them comfortably. I am telling myself that I will get there.

Every time I sit in a seat that I'm not stuck in by the arms, I tell myself that I can fit!

Every time I cross my legs with no effort, I congratulate myself.

Every time I look at an old picture and then a new picture, I think, "WOW!"

Here's an old picture:

Here's a picture that is about a year old. The jacket I'm wearing in it is more comfortable now than it was then, but it's a very good representation of what I look like now. I like now better than the old picture.

I'm Still Here

2011-02-10T05:43:00.005-05:00

I've been so incredibly busy, working late and then crashing when I get home. This week is our annual conference that we host. I don't even try to lose weight during this week. I just pray that I don't gain.

The good news is I have a good hair cut, and a few new clothing items, so I'm looking good. :-)

I'll be back.

It Could Have Been Worse

2011-01-16T20:16:00.005-05:00

I weighed in at the wellness center on Thursday, and updated the ticker tonight to reflect the gain. It could have been worse. Since my 11/11/10 weigh-in, I've had a net increase of 3.9 lbs. I know I gained more, but at got at least 5 lbs off before I weighed in last week.

I find that I have a hard time during the weekends. I didn't show an increase Friday morning; I was surprised because I went out for dinner Thursday night with my out-of-town visitor. However, we did go for a walk after dinner, so I am assuming that helped.

I went out for dinner last night before the hockey game (we won, 3-2, in overtime) and although I had good intentions, the didn't pan out. When we arrived at Longhorn, we discovered that the restaurant had shut down, which SUCKS. So we drove around trying to find a semi-healthy place to eat. We decided on Bonefish Grill, because fish is supposed to be healthy. It didn't taste healthy to me; it tasted too good to be healthy. I could swear they put butter or oil on it - more than just a little. I ordered steamed broccoli, not knowing they put a garlic butter sauce all over it, too. They don't give much broccoli, and really, it was too darn good not to eat it. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think it was, but I felt guilty. Once I feel guilty, my body felt guilty. Then every whiff of fried arena food that I endured last night just made me hungrier, and hungrier, and hungrier, and I don't know why because I know I was full. What is it about the scent of food that makes you hungry when you're not? I craved something sweet, and I broke down and had a chocolate chip cookie. An arena chocolate chip cookie is probably the size of 5 normal cookies. The bottom line is, although I might not have done as much damage as I thought I did with the Bonefish Grill meal (which was delicious), I did damage with the cookie.

Today was better, but not by much. As much as work is stressing me out, I think I'm a little big grateful to get into my food routine for the week.

I'm going to bed early tonight so I get up early in the morning so I walk before going to work. Hopefully.

Day & Night, Weekdays & Weekends

2011-01-12T22:37:00.007-05:00

I do well with food during the day at work; I don't do well at night by myself at home.

I do well with food during the week at work; I don't do well during the weekend at home and socializing.

I am enjoying my Fitbit. I've exceeded 10,000 steps a couple of times, but mostly I'm around 4K-5K. I get up to the 10K if I get in at least a 30 minute walk. My job is very sedentary. I'm trying to get up and walk around more, but I have so much work to do that it's hard to do that.

I'm weighing in at the wellness center tomorrow, and I will be making the weight gain official. Expect to see an uptick in the ticker within the next few days.

I have a friend visiting tomorrow. I haven't seen him in almost a year. We'll see if he actually makes it. I think he cancels about 75% of the time. Hopefully tomorrow will be the 25%.

I still haven't found a counselor. I have a few more phone calls to make.

I'm thinking of getting this necklace as my 15 yr anniversary gift from my company. They converted from a catalog-based service award program (where you pick a drill, or a bike, or a piece of jewlery) to giftcertificate.com. I could just save the certificate and apply it towards a trip. Trips are in the moment though, and wouldn't exactly remind me another 15 years from now how "happy" I was with my career at this point in my life. I could buy something at Macy's, Bloomingdales, etc. But unless it's jewlery or a tool, I'll grow out of it, get to small for it, or ruin it. Oy! The choices I'm faced with!!! NOT!

Hope everyone is well.

I'm Still Here

2011-01-01T17:31:00.009-05:00

Happy New Year, folks.

I know it's been a few weeks since I've checked in, but it happens.

My hard drive crashed. This was the third hard drive that this computer has been through. Like I fool, I did not back up my data. I've been busy with Dell, and I will continue to be busy with them. I'm glad I bought the extended warranty. I've had this computer for 26 months, and have been through a new CD/DVD player, speakers, 3 hard drives, etc. I'm now on hard drive number 4 and I think my 2nd motherboard. They also just replaced the bottom of the laptop and the mouse pad, including the entire top of the laptop. Needless to say, it's been a hassle. The data part is my fault, but damn...3 hard drives in 26 months?? Inexcusable.

I was in Tampa for a few days, visiting a good friend and her family. She's the friend that drove over specifically for Mom's funeral, and the night she got in (the night before the funeral), she cleaned my house for me while I was frantically packing to spend a few nights with Dad since he had broken his foot. I'm glad I went. I needed to be around a family, since I don't really feel like I have a cohesive family unit anymore. It's not a criticism, but Mom was our glue. We just don't operate the way we used to. It's nice to see a family's rhythm of life, intertwined with their love for each other.

I went to the cemetery on the anniversary of Mom's death, Dec. 22. My father had what I consider a meltdown on Dec. 24, which was the date of Mom's interment. He really frightened me. Dealing with Mom's death and everything that goes with that loss is hard enough, but then add in a broken foot (which doesn't seem to have healed properly) and treatments for his cancer, which includes hormone shots that turns off his testosterone, he just is overwhelmed. I love him so much. I don't know what I'd do if he didn't stick around, even though he drives me nuts sometimes!

A good friend of mine was surprised by her husband walking out on her about a week or so before Christmas. Schmuck. She is totally flabbergasted. I think something is wrong with him, but I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, I'd like to give him a swift kick in the head. Both of them.

I think I've put about 8 lbs or so on since the last weight ticker update. I haven't weighed in at the center since November, but I am trying desperately to get back on track. I went for a walk today - I walked for almost 1.5 hours. I bought a Fitbit, and it tracked 8,978 steps for that walk. Then I came home and after showering, I promptly set about eating my way through the afternoon. Happy New Year to me! Not.

I can feel myself consciously sabotaging myself. I sit there and eat those damn crackers and cheeses, and question why I can't seem to stop the compulsion.

I got a two names of counselors, but one doesn't take my insurance and the other has some complaints against him with the state. So the hunt continues.

I'm hoping that I use this new year to make positive changes for myself. I never seem to achieve any of the goals I set for myself, and then I beat myself up. So maybe goals aren't a good idea for me right now. Maybe living each day the best I can is the best I can do for myself right now.

Sadness

2010-12-12T00:27:00.000-05:00

This is a picture from my 2nd birthday. Times sure have changed.

Below is a picture from last year's "celebration" of my 40th. We did it a week early, and combined it with Hanukkah.

Today is my first birthday without the woman who gave me life. Mom won't be in any of the pictures this year. I'm so sad.

Decisions and Habits and Commitment

2010-12-06T22:24:00.012-05:00

Thank you for all the information about the Bodybugg. Katie sent me one of her straps to try, and I received it today. Thank you Katie!!! I'm going to try it with various shirts and see if I think I can deal with it. Then, the strap will be on its way back to Katie.

I've tried numerous pedometers, and invariably they break or just don't work. I'm now leaning towards getting the BB V3. I would have liked to get the SP instead, but like Teresa, I've seen the bad reviews. I'm considering waiting until after Xmas to purchase one, just to see if the price will come down.

Either way, I'll make a decision by the end of the year.

Speaking of decisions, what is a decision? Business Dictionary defines decisions as, "Choice made between alternative courses of action in a situation of uncertainty. Although too much uncertainty is undesirable, manageable uncertainty provides the freedom to make creative decisions." Dictionary.com provides:
1. the act or process of deciding; determination, as of a question or doubt, by making a judgment: They must make a decision between these two contestants.
2. the act of or need for making up one's mind: This is a difficult decision.
3. something that is decided; resolution: He made a poor decision.
4. a judgment, as one formally pronounced by a court.
5. the quality of being decided; firmness: He spoke with decision.

No where does it say that one has to stick to the decision - and that's what I have the most trouble with! I have not weighed in at center in almost a month because I've been ashamed of not maintaining (much less, losing more) my weight loss. I think I've gained at least five pounds back. Every day, several times a day, I make decisions to do the right thing - eat something healthy as opposed to something that won't benefit me; not eat at all; exercise at least 15 minutes; not eat chocolate; stop eating so much chocolate! You get the idea. However, I don't stick to the decisions. I don't honor the commitments I make to myself.

I remember reading somewhere that if you do something seven days in a row, it will become a habit. I decided last night that today I would exercise - I would walk at least 15 minutes in the morning before work. That meant that I had to get up early to do it. Ha!! I asked a friend of mine to call me in the morning. She gets up early every day, so if she remembered to call me, I promised myself (decided to make a commitment) that I would walk. She called, and I thanked her. Then I rolled over and almost went back to sleep. Then it occurred to me that if she was willing to help me, I should be willing to be helped. So I got up, put on my clothes and sneakers, grabbed a jacket, and walked thirty minutes!! I was so proud of myself.

I also promised myself that when I went to Longhorn for lunch today with my team, that I would order a pork chop and steamed broccoli. I did not make a decision about the bread. I kept my promise - I ordered the pork chop and the steamed broccoli. Then, I also ordered the new mac & cheese with bacon side dish. Damn it!!! Where did my commitment go? I also had 2 small pieces of bread with butter. When the mac & cheese came, I thought that there was no way I could possibly eat all of it. I was wrong...it was damn good. But honestly, not worth the mental demolition I'm now subjecting myself to.

And, it gets worse. Today was a team member's birthday. As was last Monday and next Sunday (mine is next Sunday). The lunch today was to celebrate all three birthdays. I got the team to agree, starting with this round of birthdays, to instead do a quarterly team lunch. It will save money, and then we won't eat out three weeks in a row. This is especially good in December when we also have all the holiday lunches, potlucks, and gift baskets around the office. The only compromise we made was that we would each get our own cake. Hence, my 2 pm downfall. I wish I never learned that I like pumpkin, because if I didn't know that, it would have been extremely easy to not try the small slice of the pumpkin spice cake with cream cheese frosting. Nothing is ever easy, and I didn't refuse the cake. I did, however, split my slice in half with one of my coworkers. Still, I ate things that I knew were not good for me, and I am physically paying for it. I undid the benefit I achieved walking this morning, and I'm sluggish, too.

When I came home from work, an hour later than usual (which is becoming the norm), I was so hungry. I had planned on having soup. Did I stick to my decision? NO! Instead, I grazed in the fridge. I'm not happy with myself.

My friend is going to call me tomorrow morning. I promised HER and ME that if it isn't freezing outside, I will go walking again. For those of you up north, that must sound funny to you. However, being very cold in Florida is unusual. It will be approximately 36 degrees at 7 a.m. I don't think I have the right clothes for walking outside in that kind of cold. If I find it to be too cold, I will turn around, come home, and put on Leslie Sansone on the On Demand Exercise TV. Either way, I will walk!!

Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm sure I can be successful. I have no planned temptations, and my lunch is packed for tomorrow.

I know I won't be down 60 lbs by my birthday, but I will make it seven days, and I will create new habits!

By the way, I noticed that I now have 53 followers. Thank you for your interest!

Feeling Out of Control

2010-11-24T23:22:00.003-05:00

And I don't know how to get back into my groove. I thought that I just hit a bump in the road with vacation, but then I didn't get back on course before my current vacation. I think I'm up about 5 lbs. I think I can now officially call it self-sabotage.

With that said, I think I just made what could possibly be the best gravy of my life. Thank you (or not), Barefoot Contessa.

I need my mom...

Why do Vacations Cause Weight Gain?

2010-11-21T15:15:00.003-05:00

Seriously? I tried so hard to be good, but there was temptation everywhere I went, and I really didn't appreciate it. In some instances, I had no choice but to eat something I knew was not good for me. I'm not going into the details, but now I'm left with probably an extra 4-5 pounds more than what I started with when I left for Charlotte, and I can't seem to keep my mouth closed with NO FOOD IN IT!

UGH!!!

I have to weigh in this week, but I'm going to wait until Friday. So Thanksgiving should just be a JOY! I do not want to see a gain on the wellness center's scale.

I also don't want to go to Dad's companion's house for Thanksgiving, and I wish he'd stop asking me about it.

Losing & Heading Out

2010-11-10T12:25:00.001-05:00

Down again!! I haven't been this weight in almost 15 years. I'm so happy!!

Now, if I can maintain it, and maybe even achieve a loss when I weigh in next week, I'll be very happy. I'm leaving today to visit a friend in Charlotte. I already shipped my shakes up to her house.

I need this break so badly.

Cleaning Up & Breaking Down

2010-11-07T01:29:00.007-04:00

Tonight I've been cleaning my office/guest room. For such a small room, it sure is overwhelming.

Anyway, I came across sympathy cards, Hanukkah cards, and birthday cards from last year. I opened the one from my parents. It struck me tonight, as it struck me when I read it last year, that it was the first birthday card I had signed by my Dad for both Mom & Dad, rather than Mom's signature for the two of them. She was still alive, but could no longer write. I don't know why I was surprised last year, and why I'm surprised now. She had to dictate to me what she wanted written to people that had sent her well-wishes cards because she didn't like her handwriting...or rather, she didn't have the strength to write. For someone who loved reading and writing, and had taught thousands of children to do both (including my sister and me), it had to be emotionally devastating to her...and I never picked up on it until tonight.

Is cleaning a room supposed to make you cry?

Progress

2010-11-04T20:20:00.010-04:00

The car wasn't fixed. It wouldn't start again. Two more AAA calls later, a near panic attack, and a lecture from Dad about needing to buy a new car, it turns out that the real problem was a bad key - the key that Honda made when they locked my good keys in the car and had to make a spare to get the real ones out. They made a big production about giving me a extra spare key, but neglected to tell me that it would only open doors, not actually START THE CAR. Imagine that.

I went to the wellness center today. If you could see my face, you'd see a big smile on it! Check out that ticker! 54.5 down! That's even with going out to dinner three times, and a division meeting with a lot of food. I didn't do great the first day of the meeting, but didn't do as badly as I have in the past. I did very well the second day. I'm pleased. Now I just need to keep up the good work. It's progress in the right direction...I can't ask for much more than that. Small losses are just as powerful as large losses. I'll still get there.

Sequel

2010-10-29T20:37:00.004-04:00

When I weighed in this morning, the scale showed a weight lower than what it was when I weighed in the last time I weighed at the wellness center. I decided that after I got my window fixed, I'd go to the wellness center and weigh in.

So, $340 more on my charge card, I drove up to West Palm Beach, approximately 50 miles - 30 miles past my office. I weighed in...and went up 0.7 lb from last week's weigh in. WTF? When I lose at home, I lose at the wellness center. The numbers are never the same, but they track pretty closely as far as pounds lost from the prior weigh in. I was NOT happy.

I left to finally head into the office, and my car would not start. I am not kidding you. It turns out that the battery connector was corroded, and the AAA guy charged me $20 to fix it on the spot. Once I got rolling, I took the car back to my regular mechanic (50 miles back the other way...20 miles past my office) to make sure that everything was fine...which it now is (supposedly, but how did they not tell me 2 weeks ago when I was there for the oil change that the connector was corroded?). However, the ensuing hours between the car not starting and finding out it was no big deal were tough. My Dad wants me to buy a new car. I can't afford a new car. Not only do I not have anything for a down payment, although I know you can get cars for $0 down, I don't want the monthly payments. He keeps saying he wants to help me, but I really don't want his help. I'm in a financial mess due to my mismanagement, and I don't want him bailing me out.

By the time I got done with my car, I was just too mentally worn out to go back to the office. I came home and answered emails, checked voicemail, had a few teleconferences, but basically checked out for the day. I had 3 days left of unscheduled PTO, so it wasn't a big deal from that perspective, but I have SO much work to do that it's bad timing from the other perspective. I'm hanging with a friend tomorrow, and he stopped by my desk for me to pick up some documents that I'll get from him tomorrow.

So that's it for today folks. I'll spend the rest of the night trying to get my house in order (I'm tired of being embarrased by it) and doing laundry and trying not to eat.

Happy Friday, and have a great weekend!

Things Aren't What They Seem

2010-10-28T22:22:00.000-04:00

For instance, a downward trend on the scale can come to a sudden halt, and a sudden creep up...thank you Prednisone. You know, good old steriod? For the cluster migraine headaches I have, that I thought was a frequently occuring sinus infection/headache? NOT!

I was going to weigh in tomorrow. Now, I'm not so sure. I was good until Tuesday, when I started taking the Prednisone.

Then of course, there is going to the hairdresser for a refresh of the red streak I have in my hair - my Mom's color. I got it after her death in her honor, since I knew she would not have appreciated a tattoo in her honor. So, the auburn streak became clown red on top, and blonde on the bottom. GREAT.

Then, let's stand back and appreciate the fact that perhaps air conditioners aren't intended to work all the time, even when you have the required maintenance performed on time. After all, it's too much to expect it to work when it's still too hot out to open the windows up.

When I left work early today to get my color corrected, I discovered that the front passenger window of my car decided to crap out and slide into the door...and not come back up. It was an interesting ride to get to the dealership before it closed to get the window back up, and still make it on time to my hair appointment. I go back to the dealer tomorrow to get the window part replaced...just in time for pay day. I guess I'm lucky that the window didn't shatter.

I'd like to see a good number on the scale tomorrow morning. If I don't, I'll just keep plugging over the weekend and weigh in on Monday (hopefully). Tuesday begins my day & a half division meeting - with lots of food that I am never able to completely avoid.

Keeping my fingers crossed...

Going Down...

2010-10-20T21:15:00.004-04:00

I weighed in at the wellness center today. I'm down another pound!! Yay!! I haven't been this weight in almost 15 years! I can't begin to tell you how excited I am!

With each success, I feel more confident, but not arrogantly so, that I can do this.

Unloading

2010-10-13T21:55:00.010-04:00

Yesterday's post helped me unload a little bit. Thank you Steve & Katie for your comments. I started today with a slightly lighter heart - when I got on the scale in the morning, I saw a loss. I was hoping for the loss, but I wasn't sure what the scale would do - would I maintain the loss I had over the last few days, or would my niece's birthday party bite me in the ass three days after the fact?

Today I hit my lowest weight yet. I'm so pleased. I'm so pleased that I didn't even "reward" myself with a dinner out. I came home (after a 12 hour day, thank you) and had a tofu-cabbage salad, and cheese and crackers.

The rest of the day was a pain in the butt, but not as bad as it could have been - I wasn't the driver of the jackknifed tractor-trailer that resulted in me being out of the office today for an hour longer than expected at lunch time. I hope he's OK and no one was hurt - but it sure looked bad.

Then I had back-to-back meetings - a friend had to beg some food from the closed cafe so I could have some lunch at 2 pm! At the last meeting, I had to shut down a woman that just wouldn't stop taking pot shots at a project I worked on last year. After the fourth time, I told her to move on - she's wrong and to just deal with it. She didn't like it, but too bad. I rarely get that worked up, but I had had about enough. She has managed to eliminate every bit of professional respect I might have had for her - and I'm not the only one that feels that way.

I was so angry when I left the meeting, and I realized that it was bringing me down from feeling good about my accomplishment.

Speaking about accomplishments - thank G-d the Chilean miners have been rescued and are safe. I pray that they will not have long term harmful (or short term, either) effects of being underground for so long.

So anyway, I unloaded last night, and today I unloaded another 2.3 lbs for a total loss of 52.2 lbs. Now I just have to get through Oktoberfest Friday night and an anniversary dinner Saturday night. I've decided that I'm bringing containers, ice packs, and a small cooler to pack up my leftovers at Oktoberfest. That way I won't feel like I need to eat everything at once so I don't waste money, and I won't have to feel guilty about buying a lot of different things because I'll be able to take everything home and eat little bits over the weekend, or freeze or later.

Retrospective

2010-10-12T23:24:00.002-04:00

It's funny how fast life changes. Last year, on 10/10/09, I posted a normal post - full of stories, and there was still hopefullness, particularly about weight.

Two days later, things changed.

Then it got worse.

And continued down that path.

It was a rocky path.

It had some revelations.

Some major unfairly raised expectations.

The path finally had a name.

How do I mark time? Do I go by the date she went to the hospital for the first time, or the day of the week? Yesterday was the day (Monday) but today was the date (10/12). It is now 70 days from the anniversary of the tumor discovery to the date of death (12/22).

I'm still so pissed off. I suck it up, carry on, and try to live a life that would make Mom proud. It just doesn't seem like much of a life without her. Plus, she wouldn't be pleased that I'm only four pounds less than I was this time last year. However, I'd probably be convincing her that at least I've essentially maintained. Splitting hairs, I guess. I'd gain that 50 pounds back in a heartbeat if I knew it would bring Mom back.

I've decided that I'm not going to the weekly bereavement group anymore - at least, for a long time. I don't wak out of there feeling any better.

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I was standing somewhere - I don't know where - my house, her house, one of our older houses...and she showed up, hugged me, held me, and all I could do was cry, "Where have you been?? You've been gone a year!" She just hugged me and rocked me.

I find that I'm talking to myself a lot, but as if I was Mom. I did something silly this evening, and I said, out loud, "Oh Michelle, don't screw it up!"

Just Checking In

2010-09-25T21:20:00.000-04:00

I started a post over two weeks ago, and have been so darn busy that I just never got back to it. I'm sorry for being away for so long, and thank you to those that have stuck around. I hope to post more frequently.

You may have noticed that my ticker moved in the right direction again. That figure is about 2 weeks old. I'm hoping to get to the wellness center next week and have another good update. I've been trying to moderate my food intake, but I have had my challenges.

I received my Zumba DVDs...and I'm not impressed. The classes are a lot more fun and easier to follow. It's easy in the class to get caught up in the energy. The DVDs...not so much. Plus, even though I have good shoes, doing Zumba on my carpet is difficult. I'm afraid I'm going to not slide my foot properly and my knee will blow out. The tile is not much better. I may try it shoeless, but my feet normally don't appreciate it.

I've had a few roller coaster days lately. Dad is going on a cruise with his companion and will be away on the anniversary of Mom's death. I'm not happy about it - not that he's going away, but that he didn't consider my feelings about being alone on this first anniversary. Every time I think about it, I get upset. I know there are all sorts of things to consider, but the bottom line is I wish he would have at least discussed it with me before booking it. Then I wouldn't feel so left out and unimportant. I've been there as much as I can be for him. I see him every week. I invite him to lunch all the time at my office. I speak with him every day. I even ask him questions about things I already know the answer to, so he feels involved. The thought of being alone on the day that Mom went into the hospital and the following hours just chills me to the bone. He's leaving the day after my birthday. I thought maybe he was focusing on being here for my birthday, but I found out that wasn't the case. Honestly, if it was a consideration, I would have told him that my birthday doesn't mean much anymore to me now that Mom's gone.

I've decided that I'm going to visit a friend in Tampa. I'll fly over there on the Saturday before, and come back on the day of. That way, I won't be alone that night wandering around my house bawling my eyes out, and I'll still be able to go to the cemetery before it closes on the anniversary. I got a fare of $120 round trip, which saves major miles on my 8 year old, 126K+ mile car.

I did go for a brisk walk tonight. I set up a walking play list on my iPhone and jammed out for a little over 30 minutes. I even broke into a jog a few times. I feel good. When I got home, since I was already hot & sweaty and had nothing else fun to do tonight, I tried to finish caulking my bathroom. All I can say is that it's a good thing I don't make my living as a handyman or in the home improvement business. I suck.

Things may be changing at work. I may be moved into a vacant position in my department...but I may not. I'm one of the top two candidates (this is twice now, in my division, that I've made the top two), but the impression I have is that the other candidate will get it. Will I be disappointed? Yes, but not crushed. If the other girl gets it, she'll fit in very well with our team, and I like working with her. My boss has already been talking to me about other changes she foresees and has told me that I definitely have opportunities for growth. By growth, I hope she means that in addition to "new experiences" that it means more money. I've been through three interviews, and I have one left on Monday. The interview with my boss's boss went well, as I expected. He told me that I'm well qualified, I do excellent work, he's impressed with everything I've accomplished, etc. He asked me only two questions, and I think the discussion lasted about 8 minutes. I've worked closely with him in the past as well as on a current project, so I'm not concerned about the brevity of the discussion. The one that worries me is the upcoming one with the HR person. I'm not sure why I'm meeting with her, and I prefer not to be alone in a room with her (for various reasons). I guess whatever happens, happens.

Here is a NSV...one that has been a long time coming. I'm down another bra size!! Woooo hoooo!!!

Ticky Ticky Ticky

2010-09-02T22:42:00.006-04:00

The ticker continues to move in the right direction. Another 0.2 down. Yay ticky!! I know most people wouldn't consider that much of an accomplishment, but I'm pleased. I ate a little bit more this week than I have in the past weeks. I visited a friend who had knee surgery, and for weeks now he keeps offering to order in a pizza...so methinks he wants pizza. He's home all day by himself and was finally allowed to begin telecommuting a week ago. I brought myself a salad, but I smelled the pizza and that's all she wrote. Then, I said to myself, "one piece." Yeah. Right. So I had two pieces. At least it was a medium sized thin crust pizza.

I haven't weaned myself off of the cheese & cracker yet, but I can feel it coming. So...soon...it will happen.

I had a discussion today with a friend of mine who is struggling with keeping off weight that she had gotten rid of after a lot of hard work. We work closely together now, which gives us a little more gab time than we've had in the past. I reminded her of a conversation we had almost a year ago. I told her how much she inspired me, and continue to inspires me, and to try to find that space inside herself that allowed her to accomplish as much as she had. I know she can do it again. She has admitted that it will be a lifelong struggle, and I feel the same way about myself. I know she can do it, and I know I can, too.

I did walk this week, and I expect to get in more exercise this weekend and next week. I am off for Labor Day and had already planned to take Thursday off for Rosh Hashanah, so I decided to take the entire week off. I see housecleaning, pool floating, healthy eating, and exercise in my week. It's the New Year again, and although life will never be the same, I have to look at this holiday as my reset button...if only I can get through the dinner!!!

I'm Pleased

2010-08-26T22:44:00.006-04:00

Look at the ticker! Look at the ticker!! I moved in the right direction AGAIN!!! I am not going to ignore this fortunate loss. I was careful today. I was careful tonight, and I will continue to be careful. I’m so pleased that my last six weigh ins at the clinic over the last three months have been losses. You can see in the chart below that I am telling the truth!

12/29/2009		52.0
2/9/2010	1.1	50.9
3/4/2010	0.8	50.1
5/5/2010	4.3	45.8
5/12/2010	-0.6	46.4
5/20/2010	-2.4	48.8
6/11/2010	4.0	44.8
6/17/2010	-0.7	45.5
6/24/2010	-1.2	46.7
7/1/2010	-0.4	47.1
7/9/2010	-1.5	48.6
8/20/2010	-1.1	49.7
8/26/2010	-0.7	50.4

I had a very good conversation with the doctor today. I told her that I have these overwhelming craving for cheese and crackers. GOOD cheese, not the Kraft stuff (not that I don’t like Kraft…). She suggested the following way to break the craving: Divide up all the cheese and crackers into individual servings and put them in ziplock bags. With each meal, I must eat one serving. EVERY meal. Breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner. Do my best to incorporate the calories into my plan, but don’t over-think it. She thinks I’ll get so sick of it that I won’t want it anymore.

She agrees with me that the craving for cheese and crackers is tied to Mom. Mom liked Kraft cheese and Club crackers or Triscuits, and I prefer goat cheeses like Purple Haze and other semi-soft or spreadable cheeses or artisan Cheddars with flatbreads or 34 degree crispbreads. Mom loved a snack of cheese & crackers before dinner. Sometimes just a hand full of pretzels, but I've never taken to those – I know that I’ll eat all of them even though I don’t enjoy them…so why waste the calories?

The doctor also reminded me that I need to add some movement back into my routine, and she asked me what I liked or didn't like to do. When I told her what my roadblocks were, she didn't make me feel like I was making excuses. She understood what I was saying and made some valid suggestions. She suggested that I make a deal with my carpooler (my boss) that we agree to walk around the lake outside the office two or three times before going home. I think it is possible. We've talked about it before, but we've never done it. We need to do it, even if it’s just one day a week. At least after work, it isn't as hot as it is in the middle of the day. Getting away in the middle of the day is just too darn difficult anyway.

So, I've got two ideas that I think I can be successful in incorporating into my routine. That makes me feel good. It also makes me feel good thinking back about how many times I could have gone out for dinner this week or stopped by fast food places, and I didn't do it. I am going out for dinner Saturday night, but I know where I’m going (Bru's Room!) and what I’m eating (chicken burger!).

I've also decided that I’m going to stop focusing on getting back to the 52 lb loss, even though it’s only 1.6 lbs away! I’m aiming for a 55 lb loss. The 52 lb loss was really a result of not eating after Mom died. It was not a valid loss (although I think it’s the first time I’ve ever not eaten with a depression).

So, here’s to a successful Friday. One day at a time, right?

Did I mention that I wore a dress on Monday? I felt like a stuffed sausage, but I got a TON of compliments. I’ve always disliked the dresses they sell for plus-sized women. They are always way too long, and to shorten them cuts the print in the wrong spot or ruins the line. I’m only 5’4” and I do not look good in mu-mus. Other times, the skirts aren’t too long, but they’re cut in such a way that they’re longer in the front and the back. I hate that.

I found a petite XL skirt from Coldwater Creek that fits perfectly. It’s reversible, and one side looks better than the other. I wear it with a top and jacket of my Mom’s. I bought the dress on my Naples trip a few months ago, when I was about 6 lbs heavier. I’m glad I finally found a good slimmer from Maidenform to wear that helps smooth things out. I also have one pair of panties that are longer than boy shorts but are not slimmers. They’re comfortable, not hot, and stay in place. I wish Lane Bryant still carried them!! I’d like another pair or two.

People are so surprised that I have really nice legs. I’m not. I just have finally found clothes that fit.

August 25...Another First

2010-08-25T21:17:00.015-04:00

Mom should have been 66 years old today. Instead, last night, when Dad called to have our usual evening chat, he ended up sobbing that instead of lighting a memorial candle, he should have been lighting a birthday candle.

I told him to think of it as a birthday candle because if Mom had never been born, we would have never had the joy of knowing and loving her.

Yesterday, in anticipation of a crappy day today and a sabotage-like feeling for my weigh in on Thursday, I ate Mac & cheese at lunch and had too much cheese with crackers at dinner.

Food-wise, I did fine today. When I got home tonight is when I did myself in. More cheese & crackers. I had stopped buying that stuff for a while, but now I seem to be digging myself a hole, and I'm not happy with myself. Until yesterday, I had been anticipating a good weigh in tomorrow, and actively working towards it. I know some of it is PMS and another part is just energy-sucking grief. Tomorrow is a new day though, and all is not lost. Some piece of good news...this maintaining is showing me that I can maintain...and my blood work is now excellent. My doctor kept threatening me that I was going to become diabetic, but every time my numbers get better. Last time my triglycerides were a little high, but my overall cholesterol was good. We didn't know why they were high. This time, they were well within the normal range and the overall cholesterol was excellent.

Back to Mom. I left work early today to go to the cemetery. It closes at 4 on weekdays and 3:30 on Sunday. It's closed on Saturday. I got there with 30 minutes to spare. I'm not one to talk to stones, so I sat on the bench for a few minutes and read the other stones around Mom's place. She's in a temporary spot until our mausoleum’s construction is complete. I can't believe we bought the damn spots 2 years ago. I remember thinking, "Gosh, I hope we don't need these soon." Fuck!

Anyway, I was trying to think about what I would want on Mom's stone. What would she want? Nothing fancy. But, I want the world to know, 20 yrs, 50 yrs, 100 yrs, or 1500 yrs when they're excavating an ancient civilization that my mother was an extraordinary woman. I know that I want, "READ!" on the stone, perhaps on an angle - something a little jazzy. Mom loved to read, and she taught me how to read & write. I could read well long before I was in kindergarten (dang...36 years ago). I had my Kindle in my purse, so I decided that the best thing I could do, if I was going to sit there, was to read. I turned on the Kindle and settled in on the bench, and that's what I did for the next half hour. I know it seems weird to relax and read in a cemetery, but it felt right to me.

After the cemetery closed, I make a quick stop at a farmer's market about 1/2 mile south of the cemetery. It was my first time there, and it was as nice as I heard it was. I picked up a few bell peppers, a jicima, some onion relish and light salad dressing, both made by the market. When I left the market, I went to Dad's. He grilled a steak, and I made a potato in the microwave and stir-fried some broccoli. The meal was good. I didn't overeat...I waited until I got home to do that.

We didn't talk much about Mom. We both just remarked about life not being normal anymore. I'm glad Dad didn't start crying. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from crying too, and we can't both do it at the same time.

I'm learning that perhaps I'm not the greatest of friends. I have some people in my life that are going through crappy times right now, mostly dealing with shitty family relationships. I get angry because these people have their families, and they treat my friends like shit. What really gets under my skin though, is the anger and toxicity I hear in some of their voices. It's too much for me to handle right now, and I wonder if I've sounded like that. I sure hope not. If I have, and these people stood by me, then I'm a crappier friend than I originally thought. I can handle being supportive and listening when someone needs to talk. But the vitriol that comes out just makes me feel oppressed and suffocated. I keep thinking that Mom went through my entire life, and I never heard crap like this out of her mouth. Not to say that people didn't upset her or that she never got a little touchy, but NEVER like this. I don't know how to handle it. I have one friend trying to pull me into the family drama by reading a 4 page letter that is 5 years old that her mother finally gave her. The letter was written to her mother by her mother's son-in-law. It's vicious. Now my friend is going to write a letter back. I don't know how many more times I can politely say, "No, I'm not going to read the letter." "No, I don't need to read the letter." "No, please, don't read it to me." At some point, I'm going to crack and sound just as nasty as the letter!!! The things she did read to me before she finally listened to me say NOOOO...were not untrue. Unfortunately, the words used were over the top, and the fact that the SIL wrote that to his MIL about her other daughter and husband...NOT COOL...but not wrong in his observations. I have friends that don't want to hang out with this particular friend because of the same behaviors he described in the letter. The bad part is, she's got so many other fantastic qualities, but this situation is bringing out the worst in each other.

I'm not one to not stand up for myself, but when it comes to family, I tend to vent to my friends about things rather than try to be "right" or win every debate. It bothers me that we're all adults and we can't seem to just let things go. Sometimes, things just don't matter. They especially don't matter to me now that I don't have Mom anymore.

This is the first August 25 of my life without Mom. It sucks.

Momentum

2010-08-20T23:13:00.010-04:00

I went to the clinic today to weigh in. I've been pleasantly surprised, or rather...relieved, that the scale has seen fit to start moving in the right direction. Note the ticker...just 0.3 away from my 50 lbs, and 2.3 away from my best loss of 52 lbs. I know I can get there. I feel like the drive, energy, and focus are starting to come back.

I was moving along OK but last week I kind of stopped going regularly, if you know what I mean. Tuesday night at 2 a.m., I got so sick...it woke me out of a dead sleep. The throne and I enjoyed some quality time together, along with Ms. Bucket from 2 to 5 a.m., and again at 8 a.m. I didn't get into the office until 1 pm. Yeah. I lost 3 lbs that night, and I've only gained back .5 since. So, although I don't prefer that type of weight loss, I guess it needed to happen.

Seeing that kind of drop on my scale helped me not eat crap even though I was very hungry. Today I ate a little bit more of a dinner than I expected, but I'm still well under 1500 calories. I'm not sure exactly how much though because I got some tofu items from Whole Foods and they don't publish the calories at the deli. I had promised myself that I would just go in for some jicima, cheese, and crackers. I walked out with that as well as the hot tofu. I told myself not to go over to that side of the store, but I was so hungry at that point that I gave in. However, I ate a little bit of it in the cafe and 3 hours later I ate the rest of it. I was perfect for breakfast, lunch, and my snack, and I haven't stuffed my face tonight while watching TV.

Tomorrow will be a little difficult - my Dad's birthday is tomorrow. We're celebrating his as well as my sister's (which was last Monday) at a restaurant. I've already scoped out the salads, and I think I'll do OK. I'm beginning to enjoy vinegar on my salads again. I've decided that it's tasty and NOT heavy, and I don't like feeling like I've got a liquid rock in my stomach (if there is such a thing) from heavy dressing. A challenge will be any bread they have on the table - I'm hoping to put it at the other end of the table. The biggest challenge will be the Carvel cake my nephew picked out. I'll be damned if he didn't pick Fudgie the Whale! This was the child that hated chocolate. I thought perhaps he was switched at birth. I love chocolate. I love chocolate ice cream, but only the really rich stuff. I love the Carvel crunchies. I haven't had them in a very long time. I'm going to have a sliver of the cake - I like Carvel ice cream, but I don't love it. What I really want are the crunchies. I think a thin slice will suffice. I've never been a big ice cream eater even though I love the rich stuff, so I'm not too worried about it. I've seen ranges of 230-290 for a piece of the cake. I'm going to pre-estimate 350 calories but I'm considering bringing my food scale to my sister's to weigh it before I eat it and then do some math. Either way, I'm prepared.

My next step is to get stepping again. I'm really beginning to feel the motivation coming back.

Today, when I saw that the scale was still at a good point, I tried my straight-cut jeans, and they were comfortable! They haven't been in a while, so although they were the same size as my other jeans, I put them away. Today, I wore them to work, and I looked good. Yesterday, I tried on a shirt I bought a while ago, but was concerned that it was just a smidge too tight. It might still be a smidge too tight, but it's a smaller smidge...if that makes any sense!

Anyway, I feel like I'm getting my mojo back. Thank goodness.

The only dark part of this is it's the first round of family August birthdays without Mom. Mom, Dad's and my sister's are all within 10 days of each other. It just feels wrong without her. But what's the alternative, right? She's not coming back. All I can do now is honor her, and one of the best ways I can do so is to get myself healthy.

Technology & Other

2010-08-14T11:55:00.010-04:00

Hi Folks,

It's Saturday, almost noon, and I'm out of bed finally. I stopped by my laptop to see what new books were available for free to send to my Kindle, and I came across a book called "More Blood, More Sweat and Another Cup of Tea" by Tom Reynolds. I downloaded it because it was free (I'm broke, so free is good), and then noticed in the description that it was written by an English blogger. I thought, cool! So I found his blog, Random Acts of Reality, and did a little reading. Tom, who's real name is Brian Kellett, has a very nice writing style, so I am now looking forward to reading his book.

I really love my Kindle. I bought it before the last two price decreases, but it's no surprise. I waited and waited, and then went ahead and got it because I was tired of having tons of paperbacks around the house to somehow dispose of in a kindly way. I've probably now bought more books through the Kindle than I have hard copy, so...there goes saving money. The Kindle does exactly what it's supposed to do, and it has a few nice features, it's SO easy to travel with (although I wish flight attendants would get their act together and make a final determination if it can stay on during take-off & landing or not!), it fits in most of my purses perfectly, and the battery is excellent. However, I still find it a little clunky - I miss page numbers and being able to easily move back & forth within the book (e.g., going back to reread something if I find out later I missed it), the book description is not downloaded with the book, the book opens at the prologue or first chapter - never the book cover, the menus could be a little easier to access for arranging collections, and seriously...someone needs to proof-read the books. It's also hard to easily tell if I've already purchased a book until I try to purchase it (at least, as a Kindle book). Buying a book online, even a hard copy book, is not as nice as buying it in the store. I've gone to B&N and Boarders, looked at what they have, written down the titles, and then gone back online to buy the books. So, technology does not stand on its own.

Another thing about technology - I love my iPhone and the convenience of getting information - namely weather, traffic, news, flight info, and nutrition information (I wish that app didn't crash all the time!). I'm also able to bring my music wherever I go, which is very nice. However, I've been introduced to a game called "Words with Friends" and I fear I'm becoming addicted. Although it gets hung up sometimes and seems to "repair" often, I find it challenging. Some of the words I think don't exist, and other words I do know exist aren't accepted. However, it's pretty cool playing with people across the country. I've never been one for games - board or computer, but I'm enjoying this one. Maybe because it reminds me of Mom - she loved words, she loved reading, and she loved playing Scrabble. Hmmm...maybe when I'm not broke, I'll down load the Scrabble app and play the real thing.

There are a lot of other things for me to say, but the sun is shining and there is a pool waiting for me, so I need to get moving. However, I'm once again asking for help - how do I stop getting those Asian character comments? I don't know why I get them or how to stop them. Someone, please help me!

Hanging in There

2010-08-10T21:55:00.001-04:00

Today was my best day yet for food. I'm pleased. I expect no less than the same tomorrow.

Finally Unpacked

2010-08-08T21:05:00.005-04:00

My trip to Kansas went very well from a professional standpoint. The people I traveled with are very nice and know their jobs very well. I've never been to Kansas before, and I was very impressed with how nice everyone was (well, most everyone) and how GOOD the food was (except for the first night). The folks at the hotels were so nice. The weather was horrendously hot, but the scenery was not what I expected - a lot more hills and green. I was expecting flat flat flat...but it wasn't.

I ate a LOT of food and not all of it good for me. However, when I weighed in the first morning after I got home (yesterday), I was the same weight as when I left. So, all the lugging stuff, packing/unpacking, standing, walking, etc must have burned off the extra calories.

Today I finished unpacking (I'm a notoriously slow unpacker) and actually stored my suitcase away instead of walking around it for the next month. I also did all of my laundry. I had walked over to the pool, but it started thundering, which was the sign to go back home. Good thing I did, because we had a hell of a storm - hours long.

I've decided to recommit to taking care of myself. I know I've said this before. I know that basically maintaining an almost 50 lb loss since last October is nothing to be ashamed of, but I should be farther along by now, and it's time to do something about it.

I'm going to try to blog more often. I know that it was a good tool for me when I was so focused last year, and I've got to start using the tools that I know work for me, and blogging is one of them.

I've also decided to start decluttering my home. Since it was a storm day today, I started with the plastic container cabinet - I disposed of an entire hefty trash bag of old containers today. I will not be buying any new ones. Tomorrow night, I will fill another bag of trash from my office. This cleansing is well overdue. Not cleaning...cleansing...!

Thanks for sticking with me, folks. I appreciate it.

I Despise Packing

2010-07-31T23:49:00.004-04:00

I'm going to Kansas tomorrow, for 5 nights, to provide 4 full days of seminars in 4 different cities. I expect it to be around 100 degrees when I land in Wichita. It won't be much cooler when I leave Kansas City on Friday.

I shipped my blender & shakes ahead, and I'm really going to try to choose wisely in the restaurants. The only benefit to this trip is that I won't have a fridge in the 4 different hotel rooms I'll be staying in for the 5 nights to stare at, and find things I shouldn't be eating at 10 pm.

I've been up & down the same 4 lbs for the last 2 weeks. I'm pissing myself off.

I still miss Mom.

Dad is on a two week trip with his girlfriend.

Does anyone have any ideas how to prevent the asian language comments? I require a sign-in, so I'm not sure why it keeps happening.

Definition

2010-07-18T23:01:00.003-04:00

From Dictionary.com:
binge noun, verb, binged, bing·ing. Informal
–noun
1. a period or bout, usually brief, of excessive indulgence, as in eating, drinking alcoholic beverages, etc.; spree.
–verb (used without object)
2. to have a binge: to binge on junk food.
Use binge in a Sentence
See images of binge
Search binge on the Web
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Origin:
1850–55; dial. (Lincolnshire) binge to soak < ?
—Related forms
binger, noun
—Synonyms
1. bender, blast, jag, tear, bust, toot; orgy.

Related Words for : binge
englut, engorge, glut, gorge, gormandise

EASY DEFINITION OF BINGE: MY PICTURE, WITH THE CAPTION, "MICHELLE"

ups & DOWNS

2010-07-09T13:54:00.005-04:00

I drove up to weigh in today, and I'm down 1.5 lbs! Now I'm only 3.4 away from my highest loss of 52 lbs. On the way home, I stopped at Chick-Fil-A and made bad choices (now that I was able to look them up on Sparkpeople). I will know next time not to have what I had...I'm supposed to go to dinner tonight, but in light of the over-calorie indulgence I had for breakfast/lunch, I may cancel. However, if I have one shake as a snack today (or even if I don't), and I keep dinner honest, then I can stay well under 1500 calories, and maybe even under 1200. I've decided to not let one bad meal ruin my entire day.

My friend isn't coming to town today. I'm bummed.

I'm going to the pool now to try to sun-shine some of the blues away....

Struggling. So What's New?

2010-07-08T21:30:00.006-04:00

Nothing much. The scale moved down again, but that was almost a week ago. I don't think I'm weighing in this week. Tomorrow is the only day to do it, and I don't know if I want to get out of bed. However, I expect the status quo on the scale if I do go.

My company was closed on Monday.

Yesterday, I went to my bereavement group, and a woman who annoys me (and others) on a regular basis went overboard yesterday and I almost walked out. Evidently she has a problem with Jewish people. I spoke with the facilitator today to let her know that if I walk out on the next meeting to not take it personally and to give my best to the others. She wants me to stay and is going to address the problem person. Sounds like I'm not the only person having issues. I don't want this person thrown out of the group; it appears she needs it more than I do - she has no friends (I wonder why) and I really do have a great support system. I don't want to take that from her which is why I'm willing to walk away. I just don't want to listen to her shit. On top of the problem at the meeting, I got sick at the meeting and barely made it to the porcelain goddess to make a vomitous deposit. I almost passed out. I'm fine now. Weird stuff.

I took today off because I had to drive Dad to a procedure that requires someone to drive him home. He's fine. I could have gone in to work in the afternoon, but I just didn't feel like it. It was a beautiful day so I spent the afternoon at the pool. I was in a relatively good mood, until I got some news tonight. Tomorrow a friend is supposed to come visit. I haven't seen him in several months. The originally plan was he & I were going to the U2 concert tomorrow night with some other friends, but that show was postponed. He decided to come for a visit anyway. Well, the weather is so bad where he's at that the flight he had planned to take today to another city for work was cancelled, and he doesn't think that the weather will improve by tomorrow. I.AM.NOT.HAPPY. I promptly went to the grocery store and bought the two-bite brownies. Then I promptly went home and ate quite a few of those brownies. Then I stopped and put them in the freezer.

I was going to take tomorrow off, and I still might. I don't know. I have some errands I could get out of the way so I have the rest of the weekend to enjoy.

If I take tomorrow off, I will have had a two day work week. The week prior was a three day week. Next week is going to be the full five days. How will I handle it?

I am on a roller coaster of depression and blah-getting through the day. Occasionally I'll have spurt of a good mood or something enjoyable. Thinking of enjoyable, I went to the Improv last Friday night with some friends. I laughed so hard my head hurt!!

Crappy Night

2010-06-30T20:51:00.003-04:00

Tonight, I had to put down Wilma, my cockatiel. I had her for 11.5 years, and she was about 5 when I got her. She wasn't as funny as Henri is, but she sure was a sweet little girl. I miss her already.

This sucks. I'm tired of all these deaths.

Keep on Chuggin'

2010-06-27T23:27:00.004-04:00

The scale is now moving in the right direction. I'm so glad....

Today, I spent the day at the pool. I took tomorrow off and hope to spend more time at the pool as well as clean up the house a little bit. Originally I took the day to take Dad to have a minor medical procedure, but he screwed up with "cleaning out" (if you know what I mean) so he has to reschedule.

I have this coming Friday off for a nice 4-day weekend. I then have the following Friday off because a friend is coming into town. He was originally coming for the U2 concert but it was cancelled. Luckily, he's still coming. Now I have to decide how to best use our time - pool and beach and dinner & dancing? Pool only? Beach only? Dinner only? Dancing only? Invite others? Keep him to myself? He does pretty much whatever I'm in the mood for, so I have some decisions to make.

So, I told Dad he has two Fridays to choose from to reschedule, but my preference is July 2.

Well, I'm going to slather myself with some aloe and head to bed. I'm so glad I can wake up whenever I want tomorrow!

Monday Monday

2010-06-21T21:13:00.006-04:00

Can't trust that day...

Food today - I did pretty darn good.
Chocolate today - too much.
Cocoa covered almonds - too much.

Oh, chocolate & cocoa covered almonds are food? Oops!

Tonight I went to Zumba class, but I got there just as the 40th person signed in, and that's the max. So I called my friend to ask if she wanted to walk, but she's at a memorial service tonight. Eventually, I searched the On Demand feature on my cable and found Exercise TV. I did the standing abs session and the 1 mile walk with Leslie Sansone. I guess the day wasn't a total waste.

Fourty-four

2010-06-19T17:59:00.009-04:00

Years.

June 19, 1966, on her parents' arms, my mother walked down the aisle towards my father.

Usually this time of the year, my sister and I have been discussing for weeks what we were going to do for our parents' anniversary. This year, we just want to get through the day.

Tomorrow is my father's 40th father's day, but the first without Mom by his side. Instead, his companion will be accompanying him to my sister's house. She and I decided to just get it over with and invite her. She seems like a nice person, but as Dad says, "She's no Mom." It's not a complaint about her; it's an acknowledgement that, due to no want, need, or action, life changes.

My ticker has since moved up, down, and a little bit back up since I last changed it. I'm basically at the same weight I was at when Mom got sick....or rather, when we found out how sick she really was. Last week, I was 7.2 lbs up from my lowest loss of 52 lbs, which was reached 5 days after we buried Mom. It's too much of a creep. This past Thursday, it was 6.5 lbs of creep. Still too much. I'm really trying hard to get my eating back under control, and to move more, but I really am struggling. It doesn't help that Aunt Flo was on her way this week and has arrived with a vengeance. I would be so happy if I could just have an IV of warm dark chocolate flowing into my veins. That's how bad the craving is. I hope in another day that feeling will ease up. Tomorrow will be hard with food - we've got brunch at my sister's (I'm bringing fruit salad) and then I've been invited to the companion's home to meet her family. I hope she's not a good cook so I'm not tempted.

I feel like I'm using Mom as an excuse to get off track, but maybe it's a mix of "excuse" with real grief, depression, and lack of energy. I was speaking with a good friend yesterday about how much of a physical hit a serious/terminal illness and death is to the body. I would have never guessed it. It just sucks the life out of you. I know it sounds like self-pity. After all, I'm not the one that died. But I feel like a part of me did die. That death of energy is devastating on so many levels. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Sometimes little things bug the shit out of me while other times they just roll right off my back. No two people grieve the same, that's for sure, and no two deaths, even in the same family, are the same. I lost both of my grandmas within 2 years and while I miss them, and was upset, the deaths didn't knock the wind out of me like Mom's did. Maybe because my grandmas were both well into their 90's. One was ready to go and kept asking why G-d was punishing her by keeping her alive; the other didn't know one minute to the next what was what. Neither had any positive quality of life. Mom, on the other hand, was just a devastating hurricane. And it's so damn unfair.

I don't know if the first year is the hardest, and every holiday/important date in that first year is harder than every year after, or if it's going to be like this for the rest of my life where I measure time by the date when we found out Mom was sick and the date and day of the week she died.

For my sister, her daughter's birthday is forever intertwined with Mom's first day in the hospital. Mom wasn't feeling well at my niece's birthday party, but we had no idea the next day she'd be in the hospital with a cancer diagnosis.

For me, in addition to Oct. 11 (Oct. 10 is my niece's birthday, the 11th was the party, and the 12th was the hospital day), Thanksgiving, my birthday, Hanukkah, Christmas, all of December, basically, is now just a time of emptiness for me. I wonder if it'll be like that every year. We still have the August birthdays as well as the High Holy Days, etc., to get through this year.

Mom was our matriarch. None of us really feel like celebrating anything, but we can't take away good childhood memories from the kids, either.

So tomorrow, we all have to put on a happy face, in front of the new person by Dad's side; I also have to do so later tomorrow night at her house, and pretend that it's OK that Mom isn't there.

I'm still so angry. Someone at the bereavement support group said last week that perhaps my tears were only for me and not for Mom. That is SO not true. Am I upset for myself? Yes! What kind of daughter with a great relationship wouldn't be? But I'm also furious for my dad, my sister, the kids, and most of all, Mom. I know what her dreams were for her retirement, and she only got a year and a half of those dreams. I know...I know...at least she got that. But she didn't get to see her grandchildren go through school, become good students, become the good people she would help them become, watch them marry and have her great-grandchildren (like her mother got to do); she didn't get to continue to travel the world with Dad; she didn't get to keep winning at Maj Jong; she didn't get to go shopping with me when I get rid all of this weight. She didn't get to live more than three years in the house she loved; she didn't get to keep planning all the events and fundraisers for her community's social clubs; she didn't get to keep volunteering. She didn't get to do a lot of things she wanted to do.

So yeah, I'm angry for myself for many, many reasons, but I'm angry for her, too. Furious. Mad. Fuming. Livid. The 44th year should have been achieved. So should another 10-15-20 years.

I'm Still Here

2010-06-14T21:41:00.004-04:00

And I think I'm making progress. Now I just have to make it through a day & a half of my divisional meeting where they fatten us up (and then provide weight management lectures).

I'll post more soon.

I still miss Mom.

Every Minute of Every Day

2010-06-07T21:49:00.006-04:00

1. Stick to 1000 calories for the day. Almost, but no cigar. I came in at 1064 calories. See how:

1 shake for breakfast YES (200 calories)
1 tofu salad for lunch YES (144 calories)
1 shake around 3 pm YES, but I also had some Hershey's Nuggets with almonds and toffee, for an additional 200 calories, totalling 360 calories
1 shake for dinner NO. I had one serving of baked crispy battered cod (180 calories) and one serving of Green Giant Teriyaki Veggies (40 calories). I also had some Figs & Honey Cream Cheese Spread (80 calories) and 34 degree crispbreads (60 calories). In total, I had a 360 calorie dinner instead of 200, but I was so darned hungry!
1 shake or soup for night snack NO - because of afternoon snack & dinner.

2. Go to 6:15 pm beginning Zumba class. YES, and I actually lasted the entire class. I'm estimating on the low side, but based on everything I've read, I burned perhaps 450 calories from the class.

3. Go walking with friend after class if she wants to. Lightening outside - no walking outside. Walking tomorrow night if weather permits.

4. Don't stuff my face when I get home. Stick with water, clean my house, and just go to bed if necessary. SEE #1 ABOVE. However, I did drink a lot of water, I did do some cleaning, and I am going to sleep as soon as I post this.

What did I learn today?

Bring something crunchy but healthy to work tomorrow so I eat the healthy snack instead of the chocolate.
Log in my food! I did that today, and it kept me honest.
Keep focused on the prize...my health! I can do this!!

One thought that kept coming to me was what 50 lbs really feels like. Two weeks ago, I had to lug my suitcase up & down my stairs twice. Packed, the case weighs about 50 lbs. It was backbreaking...and to think I carried that on my body every minute of every day! I am trying to visualize what I will feel like with another 50 lbs off my body!

The other thing that keeps coming to me is to tell myself what my mom would say. "Oh Michelle, don't give up now! You've worked too hard! Keep it up! You can do it!" She'd be right.

My calorie differential today - 1440 calories. I can keep it up, every minute of every day, but one minute at a time!

Goals for Tomorrow

2010-06-06T22:28:00.004-04:00

1. Stick to 1000 calories for the day. Do this by:

1 shake for breakfast
1 tofu salad for lunch
1 shake around 3 pm
1 shake for dinner
1 shake or soup for night snack

2. Go to 6:15 pm beginning Zumba class.

3. Go walking with friend after class if she wants to.

4. Don't stuff my face when I get home. Stick with water, clean my house, and just go to bed if necessary.

I can't continue like this anymore. I had a good start this morning, and then went to a friend's house for a little while. She served fruits with carrots & celery, but she also had chips and dip out for the kids. I ate a lot of fruit, but I also ate the crap. I also didn't drink nearly enough water. That started a binge for the rest of the day. I am SO upset with myself. I'm not getting better at this, I'm getting worse. Why can't I get in my zone again?

Food

2010-06-04T22:55:00.002-04:00

Was appropriate all day. Blew it tonight.

Difference?

2010-06-03T23:29:00.004-04:00

Naples, August 2009

Naples, June 2010

In 10 months, it's about a 12.5 net weight loss. I don't think I see a difference. Do you? I'm not happy about this. It's a huge wake up call.

Long Time, No Post

2010-06-01T22:32:00.000-04:00

Hi Folks,

I'm back from my back-to-back trips. I lost $ in Vegas, but didn't lose any weight. I spent $ in Naples, and didn't lose any weight. In fact, I think I gained weight, but I'm not sure if it's just water weight.

I did not binge on anything during either trip, but I think I ate some foods with a higher-than-expected salt content. I walked a lot, and stood around a lot, but didn't "work-out." However, the walk from my hotel room to the conference center in Vegas was about 1/2 mile...no joke. And I went back & forth about 3 times (6 one-way walks) each day. I also walked part of the strip twice.

I saw Frank Caliendo's show - he is a funny man!! He had Dr. Phil down perfectly: "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??" I laughed through the entire show...and I really needed it.

One last thing about the Vegas trip - I fit into the airplane seats with no problem! There was one plane where I think the seat was a little smaller and the seat belt a little shorter, but I still fit! No struggle with the belt! There was one woman in the seat across the aisle from me who needed a seat belt extender. I was going to offer her mine (yes, I still carry it with me, just in case...) but the flight attendant dropped one off for her...and not very quietly. I felt bad for her, because you could tell she was embarrassed. I am on the verge of giving the seat belt extender away. I'm going to Kansas the first week in August, so I'll see how that trip goes before I decide for sure.

When I got home on Thursday, I unpacked, threw a load of laundry in, and repacked for my extended weekend on the beach. I tried to go to sleep but was still on Vegas time, so we didn't get on the road as early as I would have liked, but we still got in some beach time and shopping time (to my detriment).

Saturday morning, we discovered that a volleyball tournament was being played that day on the beach directly behind the hotel. To say I was upset is being nice. However, it worked to our advantage - the hotel agreed to delay our check out until 4 pm on Monday instead of 11 am, so we could have a full beach day. Then, instead of beaching it on Saturday, we went to the first of two outlet malls we planned for Monday.

I brought my blender and my shakes to Naples (as I did for Vegas) and did OK. We ate out two of the three nights, and leftovers the third night. We also brought cheese & crackers, some fantastic cantaloupe...and I still managed to gain weight. Pisses me off.

I really enjoyed lounging around on the beach. The water was fabulous. A little wavy part of all three days, but calm a good part of the time, too. I got a little sunburned...in fact, I think my skin is singing "Burn baby burn!" I read a lot of books on my Kindle. I almost bought a waterproof cover for my Kindle, but instead tried the suggestion I found on the discussion boards about just putting it in a Ziplock bag, and it worked great!! We didn't see any dolphins this time, but we did see thousands of little silverfish, a ton of brown sand dollars (I think we were standing on a literal condo building of sand dollars!) and quite a few big fish, but I don't know which kind.

I almost went on a jet ski, because I'm relatively sure I wouldn't have a problem with the life jacket, but decided to save the $ since I spent so much the day before. I just added up all my receipts from the outlet shopping, and I almost vomited realizing what I spent. I may be returning a few items, but if I don't, I've got a few great things that I'm 5-10 lbs away from looking fabulous in, so I better get cracking!!

Slowly but Surely

2010-05-20T23:32:00.005-04:00

The ticker once again is moving in the right direction. I had a 2.4 lb loss since my last weigh in. I do think that if Aunt Flo wasn't around it would have been a bigger loss, but I'm still extremely satisfied with 2.4 lbs. I have to find the time and a way to increase my physical activity. I did go to Zumba class Monday night, and I perspired my tuchas off!!

Monday, I'm going to Las Vegas for a conference. Today I shipped my travel blender and a bunch of my shakes to the hotel. I know that I will eat some of the conference food and I will have dinner out at least once with my coworkers. However, I know that I will do well this coming week. I can just feel it. I'm bringing my sneakers, and if it means I have to pay to use the gym at the hotel, I will. It will most likely be too hot to walk outside, and I don't want to have to dodge tourists taking in the sites while I'm trying to do a power walk. So, the gym it is.

I get back from Vegas on Thursday and leave Friday morning to go to Vanderbilt Beach at Naples. I am so disgusted with this Gulf oil spill, for a myraid of reasons. However, I am being selfish about this one - I need a beach vacation SO BADLY and if there is oil in the water I will be so disappointed. I'm hoping it won't be the case, even though I know the stuff is going to go somewhere...

Work is OK. Stressful, busy, but OK. I didn't get the position I applied for, but a good friend of mine did, and I'm very happy for her. She's ready to do something different, and she'll do a good job. I am bummed about not getting it, but not crushed because I am relatively happy where I'm at. I spoke with the hiring manager today, and she said it was a very close call - I came in #2, but I'm definitely in mind for other things that may be coming down the pike. I won't hold my breath, but it sure was nice to hear. I asked the expected question of whether there was anything she thought I should do to position myself for upward movement at the company, from a technical skill perspective, relationship perspective, etc. She said not really - that I'm the top when it comes to the technical skills; she said she knows that if she wants the right answer she'll come to me. She said to just keep doing what I'm doing building relationships and becoming a better listener, and things will start to happen. Other than a few rough years and an occasional run-in with some folks, I have nothing to complain about. I have a challenging and enjoyable job, I have more than doubled my salary in almost 15 years, I have great benefits, and I'm well respected. Really...how much more can I ask for? I'll just have to remind myself of that the next time I want to knock someone's head off.

I am still very much struggling about Mom. I still cry every day. It actually doesn't seem to be getting better - it seems to be getting worse. Dad and I haven't been getting along. Without Mom as a buffer, we actually have to communicate with each other. I love him so much, but sometimes I feel like I just can't please him. I know I just have to please myself but really...who doesn't want a parent's approval...especially the approval of the only one you have left?

I've been going to a weekly support group at Gilda's Club. What a wonderful organization! The people in the group are so nice - even the one woman who I don't really care for is nice - she tries but just misses the mark. I had to tell her last night to watch what she said - I related a little bit about my problems with my Dad, and she called him immature, and it pissed me off. I should be able to get support at this group without my loved ones being judged. Seriously - who doesn't have problems with family members? And how is it her right to label him? She doesn't know him - I do!!

I had a talk with the guy I went out with a few times. Last night I told him that I really need him to slow it down with the endearments and constantly touching. I think he heard me...we'll see. I think that by not seeing him in over 2 weeks and being "busy" has made him realize that his original approach wasn't doing him much good. I do think that at the very least I'll have made an interesting friend. We'll see....

Progression

2010-05-12T22:45:00.006-04:00

Check out that ticker...now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! Woo hoooo!!! 0.6 lbs down!!

Yes, I AM excited. It's the first loss I've had in a very long time. How did I celebrate? By going back to the office and eating too much lunch, and a few other things throughout the day, including some very small pieces of pizza at my bereavement group tonight. However, when I finally got home at 8:30, I put on my exercise clothes, met a friend, and we walked for half an hour. We also included a few sprints in that 30 minutes and some jumping jacks, too.

I haven't tried to run in almost exactly a year. Yes, it's been that long. The last time I did, I kind of hurt myself. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't wake up tomorrow feeling like I put myself through a grinder again. However, I'm proud of myself for trying again, and having someone to do it with made a big difference. Now the next thing I need to do is get a much better bra, or double up on them!

I have cut down my food intake (for the most part), increased my shake intake, and have increased my exercise. I walked at the beach on Sunday night as well as last night. Monday night I was able to make the 6:15 beginning Zumba class. I have got to break the cheese & crackers habit. I don't understand why I've developed such a craving for cheese and crackers. As long as it's not the processed cheese in a flat slice, I'll eat it. Goat cheese? BRING IT ON! Garlic and herb cheese spread? OH YEAH BABY!

WTF?

At least I've stopped buying the Emerald cocoa-coated almonds...

Regression

2010-05-08T19:35:00.005-04:00

Check out the ticker. You may notice that I'm up a bit. I'm not happy about this, but I'm starting to make baby steps to get back on track. I know you must be tired of reading, post after post, about how I'm getting back on track, but it is what I'm going through right now.

Last night I went out with friends, and as hungry as I was, I didn't go to Denny's after the bar closed. I went home. BTW, I had a 1/2 glass of wine around 6 pm, and 1 shot of tequila around midnight, so I wasn't drinking a lot of empty calories. But, I did share southwest egg rolls with the 1/2 glass of wine, two double chocolate cookies, and chex mix at the bar. Not good.

Today I've done better, and tomorrow I will do OK, too. I'm having lunch with my dad, but I'm bringing my shake to his house and will make it in the blender. I told him that I'd like to avoid eating out if at all possible. Eating out makes it very difficult for me to stay on track. I think I need a couple of weeks to eliminate the temptation. I hope I can do it. I have a lot of social things coming up. Plus, I'm going to Vegas the last week in May because I'm speaking at a conference, and that will be a lot of eating out. I will bring my blender and shakes so I can at least have breakfast with a good start to the day and avoid all the fattening breakfast food. I'm also going to pack my sneakers. And because I'll be lugging them across the country, I will use them in the gym. I'm staying at Mandalay Bay, which is a beautiful hotel. I have no excuse for not taking advantage of what they have to offer while I'm there.

The day after I get back from Vegas, I'm going to Naples for Memorial Day weekend. Since the room has a kitchenette, bringing my shakes and fruit/veggies will not be a problem. Plus, the girlfriend I'm traveling with is doing low-carb and really watching what she's eating, so we'll be able to support each other. I sure hope we can have a good weekend there. The recent oil spill in the Gulf is terrible, and I sure hope that the stuff gets cleaned up. However, from an "immediate" selfish perspective, I sure hope that crap stays away from Florida's southwest coast so I can finally have a much-needed break. I still feel like I'm going to crack.

After I have lunch with Dad tomorrow, we're going to the cemetery to visit mom. Heck of a way to spend Mother's Day.

After that, I'm going to the pool. I'm going to float in the water. And I damn well better enjoy it.

Perhaps I'll go to a yoga class tomorrow night, if they still have it due to the holiday.

I'm going to talk to my boss about leaving early enough on Monday to make the beginner Zumba class at 6:15. I've got to get moving again. Enough is enough.

Hold Your Horses!

2010-05-03T22:08:00.006-04:00

So. The date. Nice guy. Great eyes. Gorgeous eye lashes. Heavier than in his picture, to the point where I think it's impacting his health. I like him. I saw him Fri night and tonight, and he took me to dinner both times.

BUT. He is kind of overwhelming. Constantly touching me, trying to kiss me. He's already called me his girlfriend, and said "Love you" at least three times. He keeps mentioning me taking him home. Not. Happening. For. A. Lonnnggg. Time.

He is quite intense; I think I need a man to be a little more laid back. Maybe he'll relax and it'll get better.

Freaking. Me. Out.

It's Friday!

2010-04-30T07:59:00.005-04:00

Thank goodness! And thanks for your comments on my last post.

I survived the interview. HR was in the room, and it was a structured interview, which I was hoping wouldn't happen. The questions were all long and open ended. The kind you would write short essays for on an exam, not the kind you speak to. Two other coworkers I spoke with said the same thing. We all felt like it was a blur.

Anyway, I think I did OK.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I can wear jeans today. Maybe my boss will say let's get out of here around 5 instead of 6. And I have a date at 8. Supposedly. I know I have trust issues! Or maybe I'm just smartly cynical.

Either way, I'm so glad it's Friday. It's supposed to be sunny this weekend, so I know I have the pool or beach in my future. Either way, I'll be floating in some water! In my new, size 16 bathing suit!

I've gotta paint my face, fix my hair, throw on some clothes, feed the birds, make my breakfast shake, and get out the door in the next 27 minutes. I better get busy!

Thank You and 150

2010-04-28T23:02:00.006-04:00

Thank you to all of you that emailed or commented over the past year, and especially recently (and as recent as the last post!). Thanks for sticking with me. Really. Thank you. This is my 150th post. Waaahooo!! Can you believe it?

I had a good talk with Dad Sunday night. He called me and said, "I get the sense you're upset with me." Before the whole sentence was out of his mouth, I was sobbing. He now knows how I feel, I understand how he feels. I still think it's too soon, but he reassured me that he's going into this with his eyes wide open. I guess that's all I can ask for.

I went to my grief support group again tonight at Gilda's Club. I'm so glad I found it. I'm learning things from everyone, even one of the women that irritates me. Grief is grief, no matter who you are, how old you are, your position in life, or the relationship. It's profound, it's personal, and no two people experience it the same way.

There is a job opening in another department in my division that I applied for. The interview is at 9 a.m. tomorrow. I haven't been on a real interview in almost 13 years; two others since then were formalities. On paper, I'm qualified for the position. There are a lot of people posting for it because the level is pretty high, and those opportunities are few and far between. The people I know that posted for it are all qualified in one way or another. There is one girl that I would be thrilled for if she got the job (if I don't), but bummed too because then we wouldn't be working on the same projects anymore, and she's fabulous to work with. I'm excited about the prospect, but nervous, too. I won't be crushed if I don't get it because I do enjoy what I'm doing right now; the new job is really the next level of what I've been doing for years - it's a new challenge. The hiring manager is someone I've known for a long time, and she's familiar with my work product, so that's going for me too. But so do a lot of other people!! I would certainly be a lot more on my own working for this person than I am right now. That has its benefits and its detriments. But a good challenge of this type might be exactly what I need to get some energy back into my life.

Gosh, I hope I wake up on time tomorrow....

BTW, I know my grammar isn't that good today (and probably in many of my posts) but I'm too tired to do much more than to throw my thoughts down. When I work, I throw down all the concepts and then circle back to refine, enhance, edit, etc. I'm sure I have a lot of "who's" and "that's" that are improperly used, but....at least I got the concept out of my head and in writing!

A Year Out

2010-04-25T13:32:00.007-04:00

I started this blog on April 22, 2009.
I started the program at the wellness center on April 23, 2009.
My world started falling apart on Oct. 12, 2009. Mom was diagnosed with cancer.
My world blew to pieces when Mom died Dec. 22, 2009. Mom lived long enough to see me lose 50 lbs.

Things ARE NOT getting better. I can't get myself back on track. For some reason, without Mom, I feel like I'm nothing.
Dad has a girlfriend already. He says he'll never get over Mom, and he still visits the cemetery, but he has a girlfriend.
119 days after Mom's death, Dad had a dessert party to thank all his & Mom's friends for their help while Mom was sick, and for their help after her death. He decided to introduce my sister and me to his new girlfriend at that party. The FIRST social occasion in MOM'S house since her death. The first party without her.
Yesterday he told me that he and his "companion" are going to the beach for a few days. They have also booked a cruise for the end of May, with HER family. All I said when he told me was "OK."
I am so pissed off. This is just too much for me, too soon.
He can always get a companion. I will never have another mother.
He's called me 3 times today and I haven't answered the phone.
I know I'm 40; some may think I'm acting childish. This is just too damn soon for me!

So there you have it - the year in review.

Even my teeth hurt ...

2010-04-10T22:56:00.001-04:00

... From this damn sinus infection. I was sick a little over a month ago, and it never quite went away. It came back with a vengeance Wednesday night, so by Thursday morning I was down for the count. The doctor put me on the Z pack and prednisone with the heads-up that prednisone will cause my appetite to increase. He sure called that one right!

This week has been really tough. Between learning about three deaths on Monday and another two on Wednesday morning, I'm just bummed. I went to a funeral for one of them today - my friend's mother-in-law was murdered by the victim's husband (the father-in-law). The whole thing is so sad - my friend's husband went with the father, at the father's request, to go look for her because she hadn't come home and he was "worried" when he had already killed his own wife...and then to bring their son to find her murdered?? What kind of world do we live in?

So back to the funeral. I'm Jewish. The in-laws are Catholic, so it was a Catholic funeral. I've been to 4 Catholic funerals, and they are very different from Jewish funerals, for obvious reasons. However this one was hard for me. It's the first one I've been to since my mom died. My father would kill to get his wife back, and this asshole killed his. The priest went on and on about all the murders and attacks going on, the terrorism, etc...for at least 15 minutes. I was ready to crawl out of my skin. If I could have left the service without being conspicuous, I would have. Then he spent the majority of the remaining time talking about sinning and the history of the Catholic church. He didn't say much about the deceased. I really hope my friend's husband found comfort in the service, because I can tell you, I sure didn't! I wonder what my friend thought - she's Jewish too. I heard one of the uncles back at the house comment something about not needing "a history lesson at my sister's funeral."

So between feeling crummy, having some heavy-duty meds in me, and the funeral...I'm pretty beat. I went out for dinner with my boss, who is also my friend, and some others to celebrate her birthday (which is Monday) and to visit with her brother, who is home from England for a week before he goes back to his family over there. It was nice to see him. I was actually feeling pretty good until about 8:30, and then I hit the wall.

I stopped at Publix and picked up stuff from the bakery that I don't need (and will put in the freezer for when I have company), some more tissues (I've gone through 3 boxes), and some more NyQuil. I love NyQuil.

Tomorrow I have some cleaning and laundry to do. If the weather is nice, I'm going to sit by the pool, hoping the sunshine will dry me up a little bit. I won't stay too long though because I don't want to get sunburned. Then I'm going to visit with my dad for a little while.

I intended for this to be short post, although I have a lot to say...the NyQuil is kicking in. So here are some highlights:

I've joined match.com, jdate.com, and plenty of fish. It's been interesting.
I'm coming up on almost a year of this program and this blog. It's been interesting.
The bonding on the back of my front two teeth is chipping for the second time since November. That is not interesting, but it's painful when my tongue rubs up against it (I know, that is just wrong).

I'm going to put some ice on my face and go to bed. Good night!

Status Update of 5 Things

2010-04-06T18:06:00.001-04:00

1. Put my crystal candy jar away. Take out the candy, bring it to work and give the stuff away to a department that is a LONG walk away from my desk. Do not buy any more candy!! STATUS: COMPLETE

2. Stop buying cheese and crackers. Seriously, cut it out. That way, I won't have any cheese and crackers to eat mindlessly while I watch TV at night and on the weekends. I haven't yet decided what to do with the cheese that I still have left...STATUS: I ate the goat cheese. I left the hard cheese for a future party. I'm not concerned about it because it is a very sharp cheese, and I'm not a fan of that.

3. Incrementally increase my physical activity. Take the stairs at work whenever I'm headed back to my desk from another floor. I've decided to just do the stairs one-way, because I don't want to be huffing and puffing my way through the first 10 minutes of a meeting. So one-way stair-taking is good for now. Also, parking far out in a lot, when I don't have a boatload of stuff to carry and/or it's not raining. Remember, this is Florida, so the hotter it gets, if I'm having to lug stuff into the office or where I'm going to be around other people, I don't want to get all stinky. However, since I go a lot of places where I don't have to be all put-together, this will work well. Every little bit helps. No, I haven't completely stopped exercising. I went to the gym and did 45 minutes on the treadmill Tuesday, and last night I walked for 50 minutes with my friend. STATUS: I climbed the stairs at work consistently on Friday. Saturday, I did 45 minutes on the treadmill. Monday I did more stairs at work. BTW, 2 flights of stairs at my office are really about 3.5 flights of a regular flight. Last night I walked again with my friend, but then she gave me rice krispy treats with M&Ms in them.....

4. Write down everything I eat. I used to do this religiously, but I got off track. Time to get back on track. Sparkpeople, here I come! STATUS: I tracked Thursday, Friday, and only some of Saturday & Sunday. I have tracked everything I ate Monday, except for the rice krispy treats. I have not written down today what I've eaten, but I will by the end of the night.

5. Regarding TBD...STATUS: It's still TBD. I think basically I need to just pick one and focus. I know I need to do all of them. I'm still struggling with doing all the other 4 totally!! Thank you to everyone that commented. I will seriously consider everything you said.

Today I've been extremely hungry. Seriously, physically hungry. I keep trying to tell myself it's because I'm upset (I learned of three deaths yesterday, one of which was a murder of the mother-in-law of a good friend of mine), but my stomach has been growling. I don't understand WHY I'm so hungry. Plus, I'm damn tired.

I'm heading out to the Panthers game tonight. Hopefully the game will be good, but who knows? I just hope I don't eat my way through the entire game.

5 Things & WTF?

2010-04-01T11:16:00.005-04:00

It's not news that I'm struggling right now. I keep looking for things/sayings/people to inspire me. I know that I need to find the inspiration within myself, but I feel like the well is empty.

I'm not a reality TV junkie, and I am no fan of the Biggest Loser. I am a fan, however, of Ruby on the Style Network. The show is tasteful and respectful. I think some of the story lines are a little out there and not normal, real, activities available to most people (e.g., going to TX for the plus-size beauty pageant, last year’s fat camp for kids), and I do wonder how Ruby earns a living since she said on the first season she was on disability (I realize she gets paid for the show...). But, I still like Ruby and her friends. This week’s show was helpful to me. Ruby was asked by her therapist to come up with five things she could change to jump start her weight loss, and get her past her next goal, which is to get under 300 lbs.

I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I decided that changing/eliminating 5 things from my life is achievable. I've discussed it with a few friends, and this is what I've decided on so far, in no particular order of importance:

Put my crystal candy jar away. Take out the candy, bring it to work and give the stuff away to a department that is a LONG walk away from my desk. Do not buy any more candy!!
Stop buying cheese and crackers. Seriously, cut it out. That way, I won't have any cheese and crackers to eat mindlessly while I watch TV at night and on the weekends. I haven't yet decided what to do with the cheese that I still have left...
Incrementally increase my physical activity. Take the stairs at work whenever I'm headed back to my desk from another floor. I've decided to just do the stairs one-way, because I don't want to be huffing and puffing my way through the first 10 minutes of a meeting. So one-way stair-taking is good for now. Also, parking far out in a lot, when I don't have a boatload of stuff to carry and/or it's not raining. Remember, this is Florida, so the hotter it gets, if I'm having to lug stuff into the office or where I'm going to be around other people, I don't want to get all stinky. However, since I go a lot of places where I don't have to be all put-together, this will work well. Every little bit helps. No, I haven't completely stopped exercising. I went to the gym and did 45 minutes on the treadmill Tuesday, and last night I walked for 50 minutes with my friend.
Write down everything I eat. I used to do this religiously, but I got off track. Time to get back on track. Sparkpeople, here I come!
TBD

Regarding #5...I have a few choices. I will more than likely do all of them eventually, but I'd like some feedback, other suggestions, and perhaps your vote. It’s the little things that add up, for instance, all the little bites of this and that that I’ve ingested over the years to get me to the weight I am now. So, here goes #5 options:

Drink at least 6 cups of water a day. I like to drink water, and sometimes I exceed this amount. However, I find that the busier I get at the office, the less I drink. Also, do not do a good job of this throughout the weekends.
Take my supplements every day. I have not been consistent with this.
Buy a 20-visit membership at the gym at my office, and actually use it. However, remember that I already belong to a gym close to my house, and I walk outside with a friend.
Increase my blogging to keep myself accountable.

I'm open to other ideas. As you can see, none of these changes are earth shattering, which is just fine right now. I've had enough earth shattering changes lately to last me a long time.

I have already implemented #1, 3, and 4.

*****************

On another note, I’ve been searching high & low for bereavement support. I do not want individual counseling. It is extremely hard to find information for these services located in my area. It’s like a big secret!!

I’ve found websites that seem to be selling services and books, and for some reason I can’t put my finger on, I don’t trust them. A few of the online discussions are just too hard for me to read. It’s one thing to hear something and process it. It’s a totally different thing to read it, re-read it, read the responses, re-read the responses, and focus too much on the tragedy and the venting rather than the peace I can’t seem to find.

Non-secular group support appears to be virtually non-existent. What little I have found is astonishing - the groups meet IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I guess only people that work night shifts or are retired grieve and need support?

Why can’t specific information be posted on sites? Why, when I send an email for more information, am I told to call during regular business hours? I have NO privacy in my cubicle farm. How many times can I run to a conference room to make personal calls? Is part of the strategy of the bereavement time to get the mourner so frustrated with the process that she/he focuses on how annoyed they are with the support system (and lack thereof) and starts to forget the reason they need the help?

WTF? Sheesh!!

Wobble

2010-03-23T21:50:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was 3 months to the DATE of Mom's death. Today is 3 months to the DAY.

It sucks.

I still cry at least once a day.

Work is getting more stressful, not less stressful. I feel a powerful need for a vacation. I am planning on going to the beach on the west coast of FL for Memorial Day weekend. I just want to plant my butt in a beach chair with my toes in the sand, and try to regain a little bit of peace. I'm not sure it will happen, or if it even should happen, but I'm going to try.

I'm barely hanging on to my weight loss. The 2-3 lb sneak has gone to 2-4-5 lb sneak. I've been to the wellness center and got a pep talk. I went through my closet last night and got rid of a LOT of clothes that are way to big. I'm saving one piece to put on when I get to a healthy weight to amaze myself. I put it on last night, and simply cannot believe that I filled that thing out just a year ago.

Last week, on the 16th, was a year since I went to the wellness center for the first time. April 23 is a year since I started this program. I can feel myself getting back on track. I wobble a little bit, like standing on a balance beam, but my arms are still waving, keeping myself upright.

Onward!

2010-03-14T15:23:00.006-04:00

I had a good time last night, no thanks to the guy. He did show up. Getting him to talk was like pulling teeth, but when he did talk, he was funny and/or fresh. He dressed like a slob. And as soon as I turned my back, he hit on my girlfriend. She was on to him, and shut him down. Oh, and I found out he has a girlfriend! I knew it! I told my friends something was up with him, but they said to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am going to start trusting my instincts and not rely on others' opinions so much.

NEXT!

On the positive side, I looked GOOD last night. I felt GOOD. I had FIVE shots, which I don't think I've done in 10 years. Don't worry, I wasn't driving, and surprisingly enough, I'm not hung over, possibly due to the gallon of water I drank during the night, between shots. Let's see...I got to the first bar around 10:30. I think I had one shot per hour, so I wasn't slamming one after the other. Either way, I was smart enough not to drive. Usually I'm the driver, so my friend offered to drive this time so I could ease up a little bit.

There was a guy at the bar last week playing pool at the table next to the dart board we were playing on, and there was some fun interaction. He was at the bar again last night, but we didn't interact - the place was packed, and we were on opposite sides of the bar. When the bar closed, my friends and I went to another one, that is supposed to be open until 4 a.m. It was, but...the damn time changed!

Anyway, while I was messing with the player (and yes, I enjoyed messing with his head because I figured out quick what he really was) the other guy passed me by (I had already seen him in the bar when I first got there), and I reached out to touch his arm, and asked him if he was following me. That started a conversation about how lousy I am at darts, and how winning is pure luck (for me), to:

How to play pool, which then moved on exchanging names, to
Learning that as a hobby, to
Why he teaches martial arts to teenage girls (to build confidence, because he wants his 13 yr old daughter to be confident and make her way), to
How to defend myself and showing me some moves, to
Learning he's an attorney and earned his way through school on a baseball scholarship, to
How he got involved in martial arts and how it saved him from turning into a juvenile delinquent after his father died, to
Offering to teach me how to play pool right then since he thinks all I need is focus and confidence

I should have said yes, but I told him that I was too liquored up to learn anything, and that I'd take him up on it next time.

Another positive...the scale was back down this morning. Not as far as I'd like but I feel a sense of relief.

Onward!

Hmmm...

2010-03-13T19:45:00.007-05:00

Last night I met a cute guy at happy hour. I occasionally go with friends after work to the Hilton next to our office building. The Hilton has an 8 seat bar with a restaurant. We all got to talking, and then eventually he was just talking to me. He quietly asked me for my email, and I quietly gave it to him.

He emailed me an hour later, saying that he hoped we could get together this weekend. He lives in PA, but used to live in FL. He said he'd come back to FL in a heartbeat. I am assuming he's not married and/or doesn't have a girlfriend, but I haven't asked. He wasn't wearing a ring, but that doesn't mean much these days.

So...today he texted me today while I was driving. While I was at a stop light, I texted him back asking him to call because I couldn't text while driving. He called about an hour later, when he had a few minutes away from the friends he was visiting.

He asked what I was up to, and if my friends and I were still going out tonight. I told him he was welcome to join us. Then he asked me to go to lunch tomorrow. So, we'll see if he shows up tonight, and we'll see if he follows through tomorrow.

I'm 40 years old and single, so it's safe to say that I've been on a lot of first dates. I wonder what will happen with this guy. I think it's the first time that all of my friends have said that a guy interested in me is cute.

So, we'll see.

In other news, I bought two more XL shirts this weekend, in addition to the FAB Calvin Klein blouse I bought last weekend, which I happened to wear yesterday...I was looking good!

Now, if I could just get my ass back to the gym.

So, I'm off to go dry my hair and paint my face, and have a good time tonight. Maybe I'll play a game of darts. I can't believe we lose an hour tonight. UGH!

Wonder if he'll show up. Wonder if I have a lunch date tomorrow.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been stood up. Trying not to be fatalistic, but I am realistic...

From Jack Sh*t - 100 Questions to Ask Yourself

2010-03-04T22:21:00.001-05:00

As I was sitting in front of the TV tonight and reading my RSS feeds on my laptop at the same time, also while munching on something I shouldn't have been, I read Jack's post about 100 questions. Crying while having a cold gets to be really mucousy. It was still necessary. Thanks Jack.

Feed: Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit
Posted on: Thursday, March 04, 2010 7:30 AM
Author: Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit
Subject: 100 Questions to Ask Yourself

Do you want to lose weight? Yes!
Do you really? Yes!
How much do you want it? A lot! But I'm having a hard time staying on course!
A little? More than a little.
A lot? Yes!
More than you can say? Sometimes.
Less than you believe? Huh?
You do realize that wanting it is only one small part of this, right? Yes.
But it's the most important part, isn't it? Well…needing runs a close second.
Have you reconciled yourself to the fact that this is a lifetime pursuit? Most of the time.
As in "for the rest of your life"? Yes.
Have you really embraced that idea? Most of the time.
Are you good with this? Most of the time.
Really? Yes, most of the time.
If you're almost done, do you realize just how easy it would be to yo-yo back? I'm not almost done, but this is on my mind constantly.
Do you honestly? Yes.
Have you gone through it before? I've never gotten to goal.
Maybe more than once? See above.
Like me, are you making a pledge to never let that happen again? Yes.
Do you eat more than normal right after a weigh-in? Sometimes.
I mean, like right after? No.
Do you realize how silly that is? I don't do it RIGHT after. But I do have a more relaxed meal, whichever one is next.
If you're cheating, do you realize that nobody really cares? I care.
That you're only cheating yourself? Exactly.
What good will that do? Nada.
Have you really committed yourself to this journey? Yes, I did, a year ago. But sometimes it wavers. Lately, more frequently than not.
I mean, really committed yourself? Yes…
Do you have any idea how much harder this becomes if you half-ass it? Oh yes…
Aren't you worth your very best effort? Yes. But it takes so much energy to focus, and my focus has changed over the last four months.
What excuses are you letting get in the way of your success? Other than the standard excuses (it's hard, I'm hungry), I don't consider my current obstacles to be excuses.
Are you too busy at work? Yes, I am.
Too busy at home? No, too worn out from work, so then I feel rushed when I have to do things.
Got health problems? Other than what stress and grief is doing to me, yes, but they are lifelong problems. Manageable, but problems.
Got money problems? Yes. I suck with money.
Whatever problems you have, do you not understand that you'll be in a better position to deal with them without all this extra weight? Oh, hell yes.
Do you like the way you look? Other than the excess weight, yes.
Like the way clothes fit on you? They certainly fit better than they did 50 lbs heavier; so yes, I do! And I'm excited about how much better I'll continue to look when my body AND mind start cooperating with each other again.
Aren't you ready to start loving the way you look and being proud of the way clothes fit on you? Past ready.
Ready to get a kick out of shopping again? I am getting a kick out of it. But after strolling around the regular ladies clothing section in Macy's today, I recognized how much farther I have to go, but how close I am, too.
Have you exercised today? No dedicated exercise, but I took the stairs about 10 times at work today.
Have you soaked your shirt with sweat? No, but I was sure breathing heavy.
Will you work out tomorrow? That's the plan!
Do you sleep better when you're exercising regularly? Not particularly.
Is your stress more manageable? Not that I notice.
Do you feel better? I have a few more bursts of energy, but not significantly.
Can you push yourself a little more? Yes, and I do – for instance, I took the stairs 10 times today!!
Are you going to do it? Yes.
Today? No…it's after 10 pm.
Must you eat so quickly? I recognize that I need to slow down. I also realize that if something doesn't taste good, I don't need to eat it.
Do sparks fly off your utensils when you get after it? No.
Why don't you set my fork down at least momentarily? I do! And getting better at it!
Did you know that it's perfectly legal to leave some food on your plate? Yes, and I do!
How many situps can you do? I can't do sit-ups – really bad tailbone. But I do upright ab exercises.
Two? N/A
More than two? N/A
A few more? N/A
A lot more? N/A
How many pushups? I don't remember, but with the personal trainer in July, I did some.
One? Yes.
Do you realize that "lady pushups" like Jack does don't really count? Yes they do. I'm the one who counts!
Do you own an Abdomenizer? Huh?
Do you feel ridiculous? No.
Do you eat out a lot? Sometimes.
Do you tell yourself that it's a matter of convenience? Occasionally. Usually it's socializing. I live alone, so I need that connection.
Do you tell yourself that you're a terrible cook? No. I'm actually a really good cook.
Do you realize how much more difficult you're making this on yourself? Yes.
Does cake make you crazy? Depends.
Why do you suppose that is? I love chocolate. Also, I enjoy the sensation of the cake in my mouth. I love the process of eating the cake separately from the frosting.
Do you think it's mental or physical? Both.
Something that you can control or something that controls you? Depends on the time of month!!
How are you doing this week? So-so.
Making some headway or getting in your own way? Both.
Doing solid work or slipping and sliding? Both!
Looking forward to your next weigh-in or dreading it? I'm looking forward to it.
Why are you doing this? I want my body back. I know what I used to feel like, and I didn't appreciate it then. I'll appreciate it now! I want the machine working properly again.
For your family? Yes.
For yourself? Yes.
Do you feel like this is impossible? Not usually, but sometimes.
Do you even know what the word "impossible" means? Yes.
Do you sabotage yourself? Sometimes.
Put hurdles in your own way? Yes. For instance, why the hell did I buy the chocolate chunk cookies at Costco tonight? I will put them in the trash.
Why do you suppose that is? Seeking comfort food.
Does this blogging stuff help you as much as it does me? It seems to help you tremendously. It helps me, too, but I'm not as good of a writer as you are Jack!
Does it keep your mind on what you're doing even if what you're writing about isn't necessarily always on topic? Yes.
Does it help you stay accountable? Sometimes. I haven't committed to posting my food intake, exercise intake, etc. I'm really just accountable to myself…
Connect you to a valuable support group? I like to think so.
Serve as your north star on this journey like it does for me? Is there a right answer to this question?
Has it clicked for you? Yes.
Are you confident that this is the time when it's really going to happen for you? Yes. It's just taking longer than I had hoped. But it will happen, and I will maintain!
Do you know it in your heart? Yes.
Are you absolutely sure? Yes. When I'm not dealing with my personal obstacles.
Do you think this is simply too much for you? Not normally. If I had my mom, no. But she's gone, and with her, my compass is gone too.
Do you feel overburdened? Yes.
Overwhelmed? Yes.
Overmatched? Yes.
Over it all? Over a lot of it.
Would you believe me if I told you that you're so much stronger than you think you are? Sometimes.
Believe me if I told you that it's within you to do this? Sometimes.
Shouldn't you believe in yourself as much as I believe in you? Yes.
Well, shouldn't you? Yes.

View article...

Motivation

2010-03-03T20:59:00.005-05:00

I'm having a hard time. I'm sure you're tired of coming here and reading all my complaints. But I really am having a hard time staying on my chosen path to get rid of this weight. It has been a little over 10 months, and the last four have been hell.

I'm going to the doctor at the wellness center tomorrow. I'm sure when I get on the scale I will be up a pound or two, or maybe I'll be lucky enough to stay the same.

I find that I do OK for a few meals but nighttime I'm back to mindless eating. I've been so busy at work that I haven't been able to keep to my planned 3:30 shake, so at 5 pm, by the time I get out of my back-to-back meetings, or the 2-3 minutes I have between meetings, I'm going for chocolate. Not good.

When I shop, I have no control. For the first time, in I don't know how many years, I have two pints of chocolate ice cream in my freezer. I've never been a big ice cream eater. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy ice cream, but usually as an event - go out and have a cone. I have one pint of goat milk ice cream, and another one of coconut milk ice cream. I've had both for 3-4 days, and I've had maybe a 1/2 cup of the goat milk ice cream, and a spoonful of the coconut milk ice cream. They both taste really good.

I also bought some fabulous organic dark chocolate. And I've been eating it.

Sheesh...

I need my mojo back. Where did it go????

$105.40

2010-02-27T22:03:00.003-05:00

Going to Whole Foods with big eyes, an empty stomach, and a hankering for cheese is dangerous.

Just sayin'.

Binge

2010-02-26T09:01:00.003-05:00

I've had a binge kind of week. So much for getting back on track right away.

I also have a cold. And PMS was kicking in until this morning, when it went full-blown to Aunt Flo. Yay for me.

What's so funny (or not) about this week is I can't taste much due to the cold, but I've been craving comfort foods, but simple ones like bread, butter, and cheese. Cheese!!!! CHEESE!!!!!

I haven't been punished terribly on the scale yet - it looks like I'm going up and down the same 2-3 lbs.

This week was our divisional meeting. I brought lunch both days, and ate it the first day, but not the second day. The second day I broke down and had the apple pie with ice cream and part of a slice of chocolate fudge cake (which didn't have much cake, which is good because I LOVE frosting). Tuesday night I went out to dinner with one of my out-of-town coworkers/friends. I've had better food, and didn't eat all of it, but I again ate too much bread and butter.

Yesterday was a coworker's birthday, so we went out for the birthday lunch (and damned if there isn't another one in two weeks). We went Italian. I ate half the soup, all of the extremely small portion of delicious lasagna, and FOUR ROLLS WITH BUTTER! Then I had a slice of cake around 2 pm and a mini-cupcake.

Yeah, it's been a binge kind of week.

I miss my mom.

Hanging in There

2010-02-20T17:44:00.005-05:00

I've been up and down with food, up and down with exercise, but basically I'm hanging in there. This was not as good as a week as it should have been for me, but I know I've got it in me to get completely back on track. It's just a matter of time.

I know I need more sleep, and that sleep will make a difference.

On the good news front, I had my review (I don't remember if I posted about this already) and I received an "exceeds expectations" rating. It's nice to be appreciated...too bad my company isn't giving merit increases this year. In fact, due to insurance increases and such, I'm taking home $40 less per month that last year. On the flip side of that, they did award bonsuses and mine was larger than it ordinarily would have been due to the exceeds rating and no merit increase. Yay for me! My savings account thanks me for kicking ass and taking names! ;-)

I'm not sure if I've gotten through a post without mentioning Mom or other family matters. I'm not sure that I will not for a while. I still miss her terribly. Today is 60 days since Mom's death.

Today is 303 days since I started my program. That's 43.28 weeks, or, if I stick with my max weight lost to date (52 lbs), 1.20 lbs per week. There are 62 days left in the weight-loss year. Over the last 60 days, I've gone up and down the same 2-3 lbs. Maybe I can show more for the next 62 days than I have for the last 60. I just don't know if/when the heaviness I feel in my heart will ever go away.

Sad

2010-02-12T21:40:00.008-05:00

Steve's father passed away. I feel so bad for him. He must be stunned.

A good friend's mother is having health problems. I very worried for her.

The Georgian Olympic luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili, died today while training for the 2010 Winter Games. I'm watching the opening ceremony right now. The black ribbons the Georgian athletes are wearing, as well as the black ribbon on their flag, are breaking my heart. I feel so badly for the Mr. Kumaritashvili's family as well as the Georgian Olympic team.

Today I went in search of Valentine's day cards for my family. I've never been big on this holiday for various reasons. However, the only thing I've ever liked about it is that my mom, on behalf of the parental unit!) always gave me a card and usually a little token, typically flowers. No one else usually gives me a Valentine's card, so I stopped giving them out a long time ago. While looking for cards I couldn't avoid seeing all the cards for mothers. The first store I went to, I had to leave. I started crying.

I had a very hard time finding cards for my Dad & my sister. I'm not really into mushy cards without a specific reason. I went with something simple.

Although I had a plan for the last several days to get through the conference, I have to admit I failed, and failed spectacularly. In two days, the scale reported this morning that I gained 4 lbs. WOW. That sucks. I was released from duty at 1 pm today, and instead of going home and going to sleep, I went to the gym and walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill. I expect to walk quite a bit this weekend, too. After I went to the gym, I headed home for a quick shower and went for an 80 minute massage since my pedicure was postponed. I haven't had a massage since early December, and my body badly needed it. I'm a little sore now but I know that tomorrow I'll feel better.

I'm sad still, too. I know tomorrow I'll feel a little better, but I haven't had one day yet where I haven't started to cry because I've wanted (or started) to pick up the phone to call Mom. I miss her so.

Recalibrating

2010-02-09T23:58:00.007-05:00

Today I went to the wellness center for the first time since Dec. 28. I've gained one pound. That's OK. I updated the ticker accordingly. I'm not making excuses, but I really feel like a one pound gain is OK. I sort of feel like it's maintaining, considering what the last 49 days have been like. Wow. That's 7 weeks.

Tonight I was supposed to walk with a friend, and she bailed on me. By the time I realized it, it was too late to walk outside by myself and the gym was closing in 30 minutes (it takes me 15 to get there). Time wasted.

I didn't have to do any entertaining yesterday and today, which is good. I had 1,429 calories today. I have my shakes, blender, and cups in a tote at the front door to take with me. My clothes are all planned out. I'm wearing ALL NEW CLOTHES at this conference. This will be the first conference in 4 years that I'm not wearing the same thing as the previous year. I'm so excited!!! Mom would love my new stuff!!! I've been trying not to cry while trying things on and deciding what to wear.

Anyway, as much as this week is going to be a challenge, I'm trying to look at it as if I'm recalibrating. This week will be challenging food- and social-wise, but it won't be emotional. This weekend will be hard because I have to clear more stuff out of my grandma's condo for the next renter. Actually, it's not my grandma's anymore. Now my Dad owns it since Grandma died, then Mom died....everything ties back to Mom.

Next week will be very busy at the office (as usual); the last week in February will also be a food and socially challenging week since we have our divisional meetings. The week in between will be good to get any crap out of my system and to gear up for divisional meetings. Then, March will start off well. I have no major meetings planned; no travel is planned. Maybe I can come up for air, take a day off, focus on ME. Recalibrate.

Challenge

2010-02-08T07:24:00.007-05:00

This week will be a major challenge for me. One of the strongest challenges since I began this path last April. I've done a good job of not backsliding on my weight, habits, food choices, etc., since Mom died, but I haven't been losing, either. I have people actually telling me that I look like I've lost more weight (I have not), but that they "understand why" since I've "gone through such a terrible time." Little do they know that terrible times are when I usually gain weight. I'm fortunate that it hasn't happened this time, but I am sure not losing weight right now, either.

This week is critical for me.

My department is hosting our annual conference beginning Wednesday, and it ends Friday. The fun really begins today as people start trickling in to our office before we all switch over to the conference venue, a very nice hotel on the beach.

You may be thinking, she's gone to conferences while working her plan, what's the big deal?

Here's the big deal - I'm not staying at the conference venue. However, here is what is expected of me:

Participate in lunch today
Possibly host a dinner Tuesday night
On Wednesday, attend lunch, break, dinner, and then post-dinner activities; may not get home until well after 11 pm after driving more then 30 minutes from the venue to home
Arrive at conference by 6:30 am Thursday morning (which means waking up at 4:30 am)
Attend breakfast, break, lunch, break, cocktail party, dinner, and post-dinner activities; may not get home until well after 11 pm....
Arrive at conference by 6:45 am Friday morning...
Attend breakfast, break, and lunch before waiting around for my boss to check out of the hotel so I can drive her home...(yes, my boss gets to stay at the hotel, and I get to commute, even though I live a mile further away than she does, and we usually carpool to work every day, and I'm still expected to fully participate in all activities)

So you may be looking at this and wonder, "What's the big deal, and what is so different from the other conferences and trips?" Here's what's different:

Significantly less sleep time is available
No control over food at hotel
No control over restaurant choices
No hotel room to go back to, to get some rest
No gym to run to for a quick work-out during the minimal downtime

Now you may be thinking, "So what's your plan? Are you just going to let this conference blow all your work? You may not be losing now, but you're doing well maintaining!" You'd be right. So, here's what my plan is:

Exercise tonight
Exercise tomorrow night
Maybe get up early Wednesday and exercise before getting to the venue
Bring shakes and blender; follow through on my request to the boss and other coworker that is staying at the hotel to use their rooms during the limited downtime to make my shakes rather than eat the food at break time (e.g., chocolate fountain and pastries)
When unable to make/drink shakes, but still hungry, eat nothing but fruit
Choose food as carefully as possible at restaurants
IF I get out of attending some of the evening social hosting duties, EXERCISE!

That's the plan, and I'm going to do my best to stick to it!

Here's the key to the plan - I will not sabotage myself. There are going to be about 60+ people at the conference who haven't seen me since I dropped over 50 lbs. I'm going to get a lot of compliments and a lot of inquires. I've GOT to not let the attention freak me out like it has in the past. I MUST NOT SABATOGE MYSELF!!

Here's the final part of the plan - If I fall down, I will get back up. I will make sure that I get immediately back into my routine Friday afternoon, after the conference is over.

I really didn't have the time to write this post this morning, but I felt the urge and knew that if I didn't write down my plan and my commitment to myself that I'd be setting myself up to failure. Now I've made myself accountable to my plan and my commitment. I can do this! I can do this because:

I've done so well, so far, for a very long period of time
My JMS slightly stretchy classic boot cut jeans (size 18) are falling off of me, but the 16s are slightly too tight to be able to wear
My panties are starting to fall off (really; thank goodness I wear pants and not skirts)
I have so many NSVs to be proud of; I have to keep it up
My health requires it
My family is so proud
I am so proud
Mom would want me to

Last Day of the Month

2010-01-31T20:08:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow starts a new month. I hope February is better than January. However, at least I managed to "maintain" in January and not backslide. I've picked up the exercise. I walked twice during the week, hit the gym yesterday, and went walking with a friend this morning.

I had a big breakfast at lunch time, after my walk...not sure why. I started out OK...egg white omelet is what I ordered. I'm not supposed to have eggs. I should have told the server to hold the bagel (high in calories & has yeast) & home fries, but I didn't. When the food came, I told myself that I'd only eat half, but I didn't. I ate almost everything. I think that might be only the 2nd bagel I've had in about 8 months. I love bagels. I teethed on bagels.

I've been at this 284 days, if you count this wasted month of January. But I have to keep reminding myself that not backsliding when I feel as depressed as I am is a major accomplishment in of itself. 52 lbs in 284 days, which is 40.6 weeks, which averages to 1.28 lbs per week.

I used to tell doctors for years that there was a point in my life when I was eating about 1,000 calories a day, working out six days a week, and three of those six days were with a trainer, and I lost only 23 lbs in 8 months. I always said a normal person would have lost twice the amount of weight in the same time and something was wrong with me! Now that I've got my thyroid under control, I've gotten rid of 52 lbs in 9 months this time, and I never want to see those pounds on me again. I'm finally losing weight like a normal person. Would I like the 3-4-5 lb loss per week again, like I had in the beginning? Sure! But I'm also satisfied with my rate of loss. If I had kept up the losing during January, I'd probably be about 56 lbs down, but I'm not going to quibble about it. It's still 52 lbs gone!!!

Supposedly I'm seeing a friend of mine on Wednesday that I haven't seen since August. He isn't local, and numerous previous plans to hang out have fallen through, so I'm trying not to get excited this time. Anyway, I've dropped another 16.6 lbs since he last saw me. I hope he sees the difference. I sure feel different!

I feel scattered; not focused enough to write a cohesive post. Part of if is due to the stress at work on top of being depressed. I discovered at 4 pm on Friday that it appears that someone is coming behind me on my work and changing things I've signed off on for publication...changing it to something that my department has vehemently opposed, and we supposedly had finally resolved. Now that little bit of respect I gained back for this particular person has gone from slightly positive, to BELOW ZERO. Working with someone that has a complete lack of integrity is very trying. I'm hoping that the coming week doesn't get out of control, work-wise, or I'll wind up in the loony bin (no offense to folks dealing with mental issues..heck, I'm dealing with my own!).

Back to a positive topic - WOW!! I have 40 followers! Thank you, and WELCOME!! And thank you to everyone that has sent me emails and left comments. I really appreciate your support.

I feel that I'm somewhat a crossroads, and I have to be very careful which turn I take. I have to start taking better care of myself - not just dealing with weight, but emotionally and financially, too.

And as always, I miss my mom. I hit the 52 lb mark a little over a week after she died. I know she'd be proud.

Made it Home in One Piece

2010-01-27T23:05:00.002-05:00

What a trip!! Atlanta had a ground stop on Sunday, so flights from other cities weren't even allowed to leave their origination point. I think we had a total delay of 10 hours. That delay included 5 gate changes, a cancelled flight, and getting on the last plane out. Then, it was an hour wait for my bag at 3 o'clock in the freaking morning!!!

Dad did leave me waiting in the hospital waiting room, so I went and found a computer, logged in, and worked for 2.5 hours. He got the answers he wanted, and I didn't hear a word of what the doctors actually said, so who knows if what Dad told me is entirely accurate. I'm still left wondering why on earth I went with him. If he was in a wheelchair, I wouldn't question it. But he could have gotten my ticket refunded, and he chose not to. Then he was telling people at my nephew's birthday party that I was insisting on going. Yeah. Right. That's why I asked him 3 days before if I still needed to go...

The good news is, is that Dad now has a plan that he's comfortable with to treat his prostate cancer. Some other plusses about this trip:

I did a lot of walking in the Atlanta airport (5 gate changes and 10 hours to kill will do that).
I RAN in that same airport when we discovered they changed gates and didn't announce it. Had to run to tell them to wait (we didn't know if it was boarding) for my father, who can't run with a cast on his leg. They weren't boarding yet, so it worked out. But I RAN!!!
I got 20 minutes in on the hotel treadmill Monday afternoon.
I had dinner with a friend that lives in Houston. We're coming up on 23 years of friendship - met at FSU our first week during summer semester. She's a great gal. I ate too much (or maybe had too much water, I don't know, but I felt stuffed) but I didn't eat everything on my plate.
Went to a place called the Chocolate Bar and HOLY CRAPOLA, what a place! A slice of cake is $9.95 or the whole cake is $75. Damn, there better not be any crumbs! I shared a cookie with my friend, and did taste 2 ice creams, but I walked out of there without even one ounce of chocolate to take home...and believe you me...that was a challenge!! I LOVE CHOCOLATE. And I'm PMSing.

So, the trip was a little overwhelming. I kept thinking the whole time, "Mom should be here with Dad, not me." During the flights, Dad would do something to me, like, put his arm across the book I was reading, and I'd turn to look at him. He'd say to me, "I used to do that to Mom all the time, and she looked at me the same way." We certainly did a little bit of crying on this trip.

Today I went into work late. I needed to sleep as long as possible and not wake up with an alarm. I got in to the office by 1 pm, and put in 5 hours today. Then I met a friend for dinner, and I feel like I ate too much, but that might be due to the Diet Coke I had, which always makes me feel bloated. I didn't have all my soup, but I did have 1.5 slices of challah. I had 1 of my 2 pork chops, 1/2 of the mashed potatoes, and half of the cole slaw. I brought the rest home.

Then I changed my clothes and went back to meet that same friend at her house, and we walked for 30 minutes. Considering I did 30 min on the treadmill Saturday, walked a lot and actually ran on Sunday, did 20 min on the treadmill Monday and 30 minutes today, I guess I'm doing OK. February is going to be challenging from a social perspective, with a lot of birthday lunches, a conference my dept put son, and people in from out of town for divisional meetings. Lots of food. I'll make it through though! I have no other choice but to carry on.

I wonder, will a day ever go by that I don't start to pick up the phone to call Mom? Do I even want that day to come?

NSV

2010-01-23T14:46:00.006-05:00

I had two people on Friday tell me that I looked "slim" and "thin" and one didn't recognize me until I was close up. They both stopped me to ask me if I was losing because of Mom's loss. Wow. No. But, I'll take the comments as positive feedback and not over analyze.

The real NSV, though, is when getting out of the shower today, I unconsciously wrapped the towel around me, tucking it in. I was all the way to my vanity before I realized that I had a standard sized towel wrapped around me!!! WOW!!! Now, I wouldn't wear it further than that because if I sat down it would open WIDE, but just the fact that I wrapped it around myself naturally, without seeing if it would work, just doing it....and it worked!!!

Tomorrow I get on two airplanes to get to Houston. I'm praying that I don't have an issue with the seat belts. After losing 50 lbs I shouldn't, but I could be the one poor sod that gets a short belt (and yes, that has actually happened to me on a Southwest flight).

Tuesday was 4 weeks since Mom's passing. Yesterday was 1 month. Tomorrow is 1 month since burial. I think about her all the time. I hope the news in Houston is good news, because I can't take losing another parent.

Touching Base

2010-01-20T22:00:00.005-05:00

Thank you for sticking with me. I'm making it through...going through the motions. So, here are a few updates.

I'm going up and down between 49-51 lbs...and I have not made it a priority to get back in to the wellness center. I need to do it, but I've been working so many hours that it doesn't look like I'll be able to get there before I leave for Houston on Sunday. I've been doing some exercise, but probably not enough. Also, I've been OK on the food, but not 100% the way I should.
Yes, I'm still going to Houston with my dad. He is still in a cast but more mobile. At this point, I'm not sure why I'm going because he has told me numerous times that I won't be sitting in with him when he talks to the doctors. So, I'm going why?? Anyway, I'm planning on bringing my shakes, fiber, and protein. The hotel has a very nice exercise room, so I'm also bringing work out clothes.
I like my Kindle. I don't love it, but I like it.
Work is crazy, but two major projects from last year are almost at an end. One will be done Feb. 6, and the other by the end of March. A third major project was scheduled to go through this year, and I am not enjoying myself on it. I was in a meeting today with the programmers. Not fun. People don't seem to understand that if they repeat themselves...using the exact same words...and someone isn't understanding them, that the words of the message are the problem, not the person that doesn't get it. And it doesn't help when another "team" member says "under his breath" but loud enough "that's what he said six times" when I finally get it. So I actually stood up for myself and called him on the mat..."I obviously didn't get it the first 5 times." He felt like a jerk.
NSV-It is much easier for me to get on the floor and play with my niece and nephew.

I'd like to thank Kimmi at Fit, Fat and Back Again for passing on the Happy 101 award to me. I'll do what I'm supposed to do with it soon, I promise. Thanks Kimmi!

I have so much more to say, but I don't have the focus to get it all out. I will soon, I promise.

Another Cool Thing...

2010-01-17T18:32:00.003-05:00

I don't have any kids, but I do have a nephew in kindergarten, and a niece just a few years younger. This blog interests me, and scares me, both at the same time!

How Cool Is This?

2010-01-16T22:26:00.001-05:00

I love this blogger. Wish her luck!!

Plus, the Panthers beat the Lightening tonight, 5-2!

NSV & Anybody?

2010-01-16T17:48:00.003-05:00

Although I've been kissing up a little over 50 lbs for about 2 weeks now (up/down/up/down), I have a new NSV: I wore a belt this week!!! For the first time in close to 15 years!!!!

Anyway, as you can tell from the posts over the last few weeks, I'm having a tough time. I really wanted this blog to be a place where I can be honest about what is going on in my life, related to weight loss. However, lately that isn't what's been happening.

So, I'm asking for your help. Would someone like to volunteer to be a guest poster? Maybe this could be a once-a-week or once-a-month series? I need to spice it up a little bit, make things a little perkier, and I need help to do it. I can't promise that my "woe-is-me" posts about mom are going to immediately stop, but I need some help getting back on track. So...anybody game? I thought about asking specific people that I admire in the blog world, but instead decided to ask for volunteers. I'd be happy to reciprocate at some point in the future. Please leave a comment or send an email to the address on my profile.

Thanks much!

Thanks.

"You Don't Look Sad"

2010-01-12T21:33:00.004-05:00

Someone said that to me at work today. Granted, she isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but who the hell says that when they find out that your mother died? Seriously? What. The. Fuck.!?

I work because I have no choice. I have bills to pay. I'd rather be home. WITH MY MOTHER. But I don't have a mother anymore. So I go to work.

I am so lost. I feel like I'm functioning at the bare minimum. I went to a Zumba class last night. I didn't feel well, but I went anyway, and it was terrible. I've totally lost my coordination. My last class, 2 Saturdays ago, was tough, but this one was BAD. I just couldn't get my arms and legs to work the way they should. After awhile I gave up on the arms and then still couldn't get the legs right. I couldn't tell my left from my right; I couldn't tell the difference between a step or a hop, a skip or a jump. I just couldn't do it.

I'm also doing too much night eating. At work, my day eating is better, but not what it should be. It's like I come home and stuff my face. I have no energy to do anything (but somehow I have the energy to eat). I've tried cleaning things up slowly, a little at a time, but it's overwhelming. I have so many of mom's pocketbooks, her clothes; Dad wanted to get rid of it all right away, and I just couldn't.

I feel bloated, sluggish, slovenly, aimless...

Everything is just so overwhelming.

Opinions?

2010-01-10T22:19:00.004-05:00

Dad and I are going to Houston the last week of January for a consultation. We expect to be there 3-5 days. He has informed me not to bring a lot to carry on the plane, since I'll be busy lugging him around.

He has a good point. However, I NEED to read. So, I've decided to purchase an e-reader, and I need to do it soon. So I'm throwing out the question to my web friends. Kindle, or Sony e-Reader? And which version?

Thanks!

And also, there's a great giveaway on Tricia's blog. Go check it out!

Update

2010-01-07T21:55:00.008-05:00

Candice at Melting Candy asked me today where I've been and what happened with Zumba on Saturday. By the time I get home and have time to blog, I'm just too tired, so this one will be short.

I did make it to Zumba with my friend, but it was a struggle to make it through the class - worse than when my feet hurt badly (and they did bother me again). I had my regular morning shake and I guess that wasn't enough energy to get me through. Plus, it was a regular class and not the beginners' class. Add to all that, that I'm NOT a morning person, and it was a struggle. About 30 minutes into the class, a song came on that I had not heard the instructor play before, and it was not a good song for me. It had a constant beeping in it. In fact, it started off with the beep. The kind of beep on medical equipment in hospitals that monitor heartbeats....get where I'm going with this? Well, it really triggered a reaction in me, and I immediately started to tear up. When I realized that the beeping was going to be constant through the entire song, I had to leave the room. I had to plug my ears outside the room, but I could still hear it. I didn't want to go to far, because I wanted to rejoin the class after the song ended and I collected myself, but I tell you, it was like 4 minutes of torture. I've heard that kind of beeping on med equipment before, so who knew I'd react so badly?

I've got only one more day in the office, and then I have 2 days off. I need it. I'm still very tired. I'm so tired that I shake. I don't know if I visibly shake, but I feel like I am.

Work is OK. Same old bullshit, but I think people are being gentle with me right now, and that's good.

Food is not so great. I think I've gained 3-4 lbs. I don't have the energy to cook, so I sit on my recliner and eat cheese and crackers. I don't have the energy to exercise either. I just have NO energy. I know it will come back to me; I will be vigilant about not regaining more weight; and soon I will start losing again. In fact, I have to, because I have done some retail therapy, and everything fits either perfectly or a little snug. Coldwater Creek is having another excellent sale, and I actually was able to purchase some items that were XL and L - and not women's sizes! Although they are extremely inconsistent in their sizing, I'm still happy that I can fit into XL and L sizes.

I called the wellness center to ask if there is a natural supplement I can take to help me have a restful sleep. I fall asleep with no problem, and I stay asleep (except when I have to pee) but it is not a restful sleep, hence the exhaustion. Plus, when I wake up I find myself curled up in a tight ball, with my fists clenched, and all my muscles clenched, too. I physically ache all day from the clenching. It's not good. The center is sending me something in the mail (I forget what) that might help. I just don't have the time to take the ride up there to get it.

I have an eye appt next Tuesday; it's been too long since I had my eyes checked, and I'm sure my RX needs to be updated, which will help me not feel so tired in my eyes. I have a dentist appt scheduled for the first week in Feb. I might get my tires rotated and balanced tomorrow at Costco and then take the car to be aligned and have an oil change on Saturday. I know I should take care of me before my car, but the car has almost 115K miles on it, and I can't afford a car payment so this one MUST be kept running.

I did schedule a chair massage at work tomorrow, and a real massage with my favorite therapist 2 weeks from tomorrow. I also scheduled a TWO HOUR massage on Feb. 12, because I know I'll be off from work that day.

I also called Lowes today about the toilet I bought from them last year. I hate it. It runs for no reason. Also, I should have purchased a standard height toilet, but I bought a "comfort height" toilet. Let me tell you, it is not comfortable. I'm too short for it at 5'4". I have no issues with public handicap toilets, so I don't know why this one is a problem, but I HATE it and I spend too much time on it to hate it. So hopefully Lowes will help me out and not charge me another $500 for a new toilet and installation.

Anyway, this is all I can get down in 10 minutes, and I need to call it a night. Thank you for sticking with me through this. I'll get back to myself eventually.

Also - does anyone have any idea how I can notifiy someone that keeps reading one specific post from October that they need to click on the main banner or the archive to read the recent stuff? I noticed on my statcounter that someone from Seattle keeps going to a post that months old, and nothing else. I wonder if they're stuck (I used to do that when I first started reading blogs until I realized I bookmarked the wrong page). Thanks!!

Healthy New Year?

2010-01-01T23:09:00.002-05:00

I sure hope so. For everyone.

I'm hoping I can get my butt out of bed tomorrow in time to make a Zumba class. I know it will kick my ass.

I'm taking the day off from my father tomorrow. I need a break. He needs a break. And we both need Mom. I'm wearing out. I have been OK with the food, but I saw my scale creep up this morning and it disturbed me.

I'm so tired that I can't make sense. There is so much I want to say but just can't get it out. Just know that I wish you all a happy and healthy new year. Although I had a personal accomplishment of losing 52 lbs in 2009, I sure hope 2010 is better than 2009.

Normalcy

2009-12-29T22:29:00.004-05:00

I cannot thank everyone enough for all your kind words of support and sympathy. You really have no idea how much it means to me. Just know that it means a great deal. Once a family loses its matriarch, compass, glue...whatever you want to call it, it's all too easy to get distracted from what really matters. I know that our family will never have the kind of normalcy that we had with Mom again. I know that over time, we will develop a new family dynamic, but it will always be colored with how Mom wanted things, and what she wanted for us as a family. To me, it's the best way we can honor her life and memory.

I am exhausted. I've slept every night, all night through, but I wake up exhausted. I guess that is what grief and stress do to you. TMI, but while Mom was ill, I spotted for almost a month straight even though I'm on the pill, and the doc told me to double the pills. That's gone now. I also developed more gray hair. Today as of noon the gray is gone, too (just Mom would have wanted)! I have been considering getting a tattoo in honor of Mom, but since she did not like tattoos, I decided the next best thing would be to put a streak of her hair color in mine. So now I have a single streak of ORANGE in my hair...it should have been red. In dim light it looks fine. In bright light, it looks ORANGE. So, I will be getting that corrected. In any event, even though the shade is a bit off, I still love it. I even made Dad smile.

Tomorrow I'm taking Dad to the doc to discuss more cancer treatment. Then he wants me to clean out Mom's vanity; he'll work on his office. We will also be working on getting out some of the 100+ thank you cards that we need to send out. I think I've got a system set up to make it easy for him; hopefully it will work.

Dad had a "lucky break" with his foot - turns out that he does not need surgery. He will have a cast for a minimum of six weeks. So although his mobility is limited (he can't use crutches and the walker is hard for him, too), at least now that there is no surgery his cancer treatment should not be impacted.

One other good piece of news...I dropped some more weight. 52 baby!! Mom is usually the first person I call when I leave the wellness center. Today, I called no one.

Saying Goodbye

2009-12-24T23:50:00.003-05:00

First, to all my readers to celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a merry one.

Today was Mom's funeral service and entombment. It had to be the hardest day of my life...but I've been kept so busy, and will continue to be kept busy for at least another week, that I don't think that the enormity of our loss has totally hit me yet.

Dad broke his foot last night in two places, so I've moved in temporarily to help him deal with not only the loss of Mom but his new physical limitation. He'll see an orthopedic specialist on Monday.

220 people signed the guest book at the service. I've only been to one other funeral where maybe that many people came, and it was for the teenage daughter of a coworker. The rabbi did a wonderful job. I actually got up and spoke. Amazingly, I held it together. I was kept so busy yesterday that I didn't get to write down what I wanted to say until 1 a.m., and I worked on it until 2 a.m. I've been up since 6:30. I choked up once or twice, but didn't lose it. My sister did not speak, but she made the decision before I wrote my speech, so I made sure to include thoughts and remembrances that were important to her. I asked her to read it before the service, and she had no changes.

Mom was always happy to celebrate everyone else’s accomplishments, birthdays, milestones, etc., but she was always uncomfortable with being the center of attention. Today, we are celebrating her life; my sister, father, and I thank you all for being here today.

You are going to hear a lot about what a wonderful person Mom was. She was a great teacher, friend, daughter, wife, mother, grandmother.

Mom taught R and me how to read and WRITE – I would not be as good at what I do if it wasn’t for Mom teaching me how to write – she drilled in to us – WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY AND HOW. I’m hoping that when we leave here today, you’ll get a sense of the WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY and HOW of (MOM).

Our house was always full of love. Every action she took, every word she spoke, came from love. She chose a fabulous husband to be the father of her children. R and I hit the jackpot when it came to parents.

I’m going to tell you some things you may already know about Mom’s personality, but you might be surprised about how her persona shaped our family, and R and I individually.

#1 – She was creative. What you don’t know is how creative she was at waking me up, and I am NOT a morning person. She opened the shades, pulled the covers off, and as a last resort, sprinkled water OR put Barney on me – the pit bull cockatiel that adored her and hated everyone else.

#2 – She was mischievous. Working at the kitchen sink with her was sometimes a challenge. She was quite good at flicking water or turning the water off when R or I were working there. Somehow, she always managed to surprise us. We were both gullible I guess. She was also good at turning off the light and leaving you in the dark, laughing as she’d say “Oops” and continue on her way.

#3 – She meant what she said, and she said what she meant. For instance, I’d get 2 directions that I needed to put my shoes away. The 3^rd time was a promise, not a threat, that my shoes would be on the front lawn. I will tell you from experience that she always followed through. Another example is cleaning out my dresser drawers. I’d get “X” amount of warnings, and then as promised, I’d find my belongings on the floor of my bedroom, all my drawers open and empty and believe me when I tell you that I was not going outside to play or go to bed if that junk wasn’t taken care of. As soon as last week, I told Mom that I needed for her to tell me to clean my closet or it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe R won’t mind picking up that reminder task for me.

#4 – Mom couldn’t cut a straight line. She kept trying, but R and I learned early never to let her near us with scissors – and you wouldn’t blame us if you saw the pictures.

#5 – Mom was a mind reader. Mom could read our minds – and sometimes we could read hers, too. For instance, when Dad is telling a story of some sort, and he says, “What do I always say?” and because there are so many “Dadisms”, she would know R and I were confused about which one to pick. She would look at us and laugh, asking him, “Which one?” She would pick up on an inflection in our voices, and she knew instantly what to say and how to say it.

#6 – Mom was fun. She didn’t believe in boredom. Even bedtime was fun time. For instance, when it was time for R to go to bed, she’d walk with R to her room, singing “boop-ed-y boop-ed-y boop” and then stop so R would walk into the back of her. Somehow she made the most mundane car trips “exciting”. She came up with the brilliant game of who could stay quietest the longest, and whoever spoke first, lost. Who do you think lost the most frequently? She also bribed us to do homework during summer vacation on our trips; we got money to spend on the trip and she felt better knowing that when we returned to school in the fall we would not be at the bottom of the class.

#7 – Mom was comfort. She was always ready to hug. If we cried, she cried inside. If we had a bad day, she had a bad day. If someone made us mad or hurt us, she got mad and hurt, too. But she also taught us how to stand up for ourselves. If we were happy, she was happy. I remember one night, a little over 5 years ago, when I had a terrible day. I talked to her around 5 pm. She told me to stop by on my way home. I really just wanted to go home and get in my PJs, but I stopped over, and she had my favorite meal waiting for me as a surprise. It wasn’t the food that made me feel better, it was her thoughtfulness and comfort, just sitting across the table from me, that made me feel better. When I had a headache, if she put her hand on my head, I always felt better. Just her voice, saying “Hello” on the phone made me feel better.

Finally, Mom knew when to stop talking; which is what I will do now; if I don’t stop now, I won’t stop for hours. There is not enough time in the day to tell you all about the little things and big things she’s done for us. She made us her life work; she led our family by example, with simple respect and dignity, colored with humor. Honestly, I don’t think Mom’s job is done but we’ll do our best to try to make her proud, and lead a decent and happy life like she wanted for us.

I tried not to read what I wrote word for word, and I think I was OK. My sister and Dad had never heard me speak publically before (other than when at a school recital or something like that, but that was more than 20 years ago at the most recent) and they couldn’t believe what a decent speaker I am (that doesn’t sound right, but I’m so tired that I can’t get everything down the way it needs to be). Mom was the first person I went to when I needed to practice a presentation for work, and although I recently became a competent communicator through Toastmasters, I’ve been doing this kind of thing for years…about insurance, not the woman I love the most in this world. It’s different speaking publically when you’re trying not to sob your heart out. I hope I honored Mom the way she deserved.

Dad also spoke. He was really concerned that he was not going to be able to do it, but he pulled it off. He not only has a broken foot and refused to take painkillers, he is undergoing treatment himself for cancer, and he is heartbroken. My Dad’s strength never fails to amaze me. Even when he drives me crazy, I love him, as I love Mom, and I’ll love them both until the day I die.

There are so many details to the last few days, and maybe someday I’ll write them all down. Let me say this, though. If you feel like something is wrong in your body, and a doctor tells you that it’s in your head, find another doctor. Keep looking until you find a doctor that listens to you. If you have pain, and a doctor says there’s nothing there and all he/she did was feel you from the outside and take some blood, DEMAND AN X-RAY. An x-ray 6, 8, 12 months ago would have saved my mother’s life. Doctors do not know it all. You know your body better than anyone else. Be a pit bull if you have to. If you’ve had cancer and were treated with radiation, insist on an x-ray at least once a year, even if you have to pay out of pocket. It is your right to be armed with information that could save your life. Please. I’m begging you, as someone who just lost her best friend and mother. Your family needs you.

Time of Death

2009-12-22T15:44:00.002-05:00

3:34 a.m., December 22, 2009. Mom is no longer in this world. We don't know how to live without her.

I'm Mad at the World

2009-12-21T22:10:00.002-05:00

Mom is in CCU. She has pneumonia in her left lung, and her right lung has collapsed. It appears that the tumor as grown, not shrunk. She is asking for hospice. Dad signed a DNR tonight.

Right now, I really don't know what else to say. I'm so angry that I can't even express myself clearly.